Blessings

I can't believe Julia Carter is going to be 3 years old tomorrow! Every night at bedtime, I put my hand on each of the girls' hearts and bless them. To Emily, I say, "God bless you and heal your heart." It's the same blessing I have pronounced over her since she was 5 years old, when I started. To Julia, I say, "God bless you. God thank you for the Miracle and Gift of Julia." The story behind both of their blessings involve their brother. Julia's blessing is a daily thanksgiving to God for giving her to us after losing her brother... for our "Rainbow Baby". It is also a daily reminder that He healed her heart Supernaturally upon birth. We will never forget when the Cardiologists could not find the heart problem, even though they (and other!) Cardiologists had diagnosed her with it while she was still in my womb. We were part of a special Fetal Anomalies Clinic at UAB for my pregnancy. My labor and her delivery were traumatic and scary and involved a four-hour ambulance ride to UAB and "normal" birth when it was supposed to be my third c-section. Immediately after birth, she was rushed (per the plan) to the Cardiac NICU. Less than a day later, they did her first Echo-cardiogram, and found nothing but a PERFECT heart! 48 hours after birth, she was discharged to come home! Six weeks later, after another follow-up visit, she was officially discharged from her Cardiologist's care! She had Emily and Ethan's Cardiologist for exactly ONE appointment. My family knows heartache and loss very well. And we also recognize the Miracles of God, and the three Perfect Gifts He has given us. We don't ever want to take them for granted! Happy Birthday to our Julia Carter Lane!

A Mother's Day Like No Other

I just felt like sharing a picture of me and my children on Mother's Day 2010! It is a beautiful memory for me. This was my only Mother's Day with Ethan, and he went to Heaven just weeks before his Daddy could have Father's Day with him. I feel so incredibly blessed that I had the privilege of having this one Mother's Day... there will truly never be another one like it, because it was the only one I will ever have with my son. I wish so much his Daddy could have had that Father's Day.

Tonight, though my heart aches for this little boy, it is also bursting with gratitude. God didn't "owe" me one single day with Ethan, but He gave me 84.

84 perfect, precious days with my perfect, precious son!

God is, indeed, so very good to us.

A Tattered Piece of Paper

Tucked in my Bible are several things that are incredibly precious to me.  There is a picture of Ethan and one of him and Emily together, a special bookmark with Ethan's obituary, the booklet from my father's funeral, several pictures Emily colored for me when she was younger, a poem about pastors' wives read to me during Pastor Appreciation one year, a poem about a child going to Heaven...

And there is a tattered piece of paper with a printed prayer.  Many years ago, when my husband was ordained, this prayer by John Wesley was given to us by the Assemblies of God, along with these words:

"In the powerful words of John Wesley, I covet this prayer as a pattern for your own praying--- an unswerving and obedient surrender to His call upon your life!"

From time to time, I take this tattered piece of paper out of my Bible and read it to God with my whole heart:

Lord Jesus, if you will receive me into your house, if you will but own me as your servant, I will not stand upon terms; impose upon me what conditions you please, write down your own articles, command me what you will, put me to anything you see as good; let me come under your roof, let me be your servant... make me what you will, Lord and set me where you will... I put myself wholly into your hands: put me to what you will, rank me with whom you will; put me to doing, put me to suffering, let me be employed for you, or laid aside for you, exalted for you, or trodden under foot for you; let me be full, let me be empty, let me have all things, let me have nothing, I freely and heartily resign all to your pleasure and disposal.

He Is For Me

I remember telling my mother in the weeks after Ethan died that the pain was so great that my heart literally ached inside my chest.

It has been three and a half years since Ethan went to Heaven, and I can honestly say that is still true.

For a long time after June 4th, 2010, I struggled with feeling like God loved me.

After all, how could He? He let my son die.

My mind knew He loved me, but my heart struggled.  I'm not even sure I really recognized it at the time.

But then certain songs brought the struggle to the surface... such as "Oh, How He Loves Me".

I began to realize what I had been feeling... and I began to accept that He loves me.

Another song that has continued to flush that out in my life is "You Are For Me" by Kari Jobe:

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me that...

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

You remind me

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

On "Moving On"...

I read a beautiful quote last night from a mother who lost her daughter when her daughter was less than a year old.  It is one of the most beautiful quotes I have ever read.  It is from a free devotional the mother wrote for grieving families entitled "Psalms for the Grieving Heart".  You can find the quote at her website, like I did: www.raisingarrows.net/the-grieving-mother

"I would not move forward if it meant leaving Emmy behind.  I don't know how anyone can pretend a child never existed, take down their pictures, remove their things... No, I do not leave her behind and 'move on', I move forward, with all 5 children--- one running a bit ahead... just out of sight."

Wow.  What a beautiful way to explain something that is so important to explain.

We will never leave Ethan behind.  He exists, he is real, he is our child--- and he waits for us.  We move forward with all three children--- one running a bit ahead... just out of sight.  And in fact, we have six children, and four of them are running a bit ahead... just out of sight!

We love talking about our son.  And there are so many people who let us know they love hearing about him, which makes our hearts overflow.  But sometimes, we can sense that people are "tired" of hearing about Ethan.  Less than four months after he passed away, someone wrote us a letter telling us we needed to "move on".

Here's the thing.  There is no moving on.  Like the quote above says, there is only moving forward with Ethan.  I talk about my girls on Facebook--- a lot.  I talk about my son on Facebook--- a lot.  He is my child just like they are.  He doesn't live with me right now, but one day he will.

You see, this life on Earth is just a vapor--- just a fleeting moment.  Ethan is the one who is really alive!  He is the one who has already started his eternal life.  When you really think about it, I am more dead than he is!

So why would we not talk about him?  He is alive and well.  Perfect, in fact.  We are just temporarily separated from him.  Like my husband always says, if Ethan was grown and living in another state, we wouldn't pretend he doesn't exist just because he's not living in our house anymore.

It all goes back to our view of Eternal Life.  Do we believe in it?  Then we ought to live like it.

Thank you, God, for the gift of Your Son.  Thank you, God, that you will reunite me with my son for Eternity.  I love you.

Valentine's Day in Heaven

Dear Ethan,

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweet Boy!

How I wish you were here... but you are still Mama's Little Valentine!  Always will be.  I love you and miss you so much.

God continues to teach me so much about gratitude as I walk through this life without you by my side.  How I wish you walked next to me, tugging at my hand, always needing something...

It is amazing to think that you don't need anything from me... heartbreaking, yet at the same time, amazing.

The fact that all your needs are met... that you are perfectly happy and whole... it makes my heart smile, in spite of the constant ache.

How I long to tell you I love you face to face today...

How I wish I was receiving a sticky, handmade valentine sealed with a kiss from my one and only son.

Your sisters are beautiful... simply beautiful.

Their hearts shine... I know you know this already, and are so proud.

What is Valentine's Day like in Heaven?

I suspect it's not celebrated.

After all, you are surrounded by perfect love each and every day.  Valentine's Day has no place in Heaven.  It simply isn't needed.

Here on Earth, we need it.  We need a day to stop and take the time to show our love for each other just a little more purposefully and intentionally than we do most days.

But in Heaven?

You never forget to tell each other.  Jesus never forgets to tell you.

You are aware every moment of just how much you are loved.

You know to the full extent the love Jesus has for you, and the love Daddy and I and the rest of your family have for you... you know it perfectly.

Oh, how my heart rejoices at this!

Love,

Mama

The Little Girl...

bringing Mama, Daddy, and Emily so much laughter and joy!

What beautiful children God has blessed us with.

(Pause the music player at the bottom of this page to hear the video.)