My Heart

I know I never write on here anymore.  It's not my plan, in fact it's the opposite, but it's just what happens (or rather, what doesn't happen).

The reasons have nothing to do with Ethan... I love and miss him as much as I always have... even more if that is possible...

No, it's just that life gets in the way.  Life gets in the way of so many things.

But I can't complain when that life has included a beautiful, precious new baby and her incredible big sister... yes, life with a baby is busy.  Life with two children is even busier.  But it is such a beautiful busy.  And oh how I wish it was even crazier, with three children needing me constantly instead of two!

I have been sorting through our homeschool cabinet today, and it's amazing how tears have filled my eyes throughout the whole thing, and how those tears have just sat there, brimming... for hours.

I need them to fall, but I can't seem to let go.  There is a lump in my throat, and the only thing I can think to do is write.

I miss my son.  I miss him with everything in me.  Every fiber of my being.  I feel like I walk around with a heart that is permanently broken.  I know there is nothing anyone can do for me, not really... there is no mending this heart on this side of Heaven.

I'm being honest, because I don't think sugarcoating pain helps anyone.  It definitely doesn't help me, and neither does pretending.

But in the midst of the pain, God has graced us--- yes, graced us--- with unspeakable joy.  So while the pain is unspeakable, so is the joy.  It's like I said in an earlier post... it is possible for joy and sadness to run together...

I am in absolute awe of the little princess God has given us... Julia Carter has swooped into our lives and we are all putty in her hands!  She is an incredible, beautiful, sweet, fiesty, perfect and adorable, ball of energy!

Emily was an extremely easy baby (though we didn't know what that meant at the time, since she was our first), Ethan was a tad higher-maintenance than her (but not much!), and Julia gives us a run for our money! :)  But I simply cannot describe how sweet she is... it's amazing!

Yes, she has been such a balm to our hearts... mine, Josh's, Emily's... our extended family's... she is a Miracle Baby in every sense of the word.

The homeschool cabinet is hard because so many sweet "Ethan Memories" are wrapped up in the contents, like so, so many things in our home.  I started preschool with Emily right before I became pregnant with Ethan, and she actually prayed for a little brother or sister during one of our Bible lessons right around the time he was conceived!  The faith of a child...

The following year, Ethan witnessed her first weeks of Kindergarten, as I often held him in my arms (and many times nursed him) while we did school.

Just two weeks before his death, Emily learned to write their last name.

Just the day before his death, I read Junie B. Jones to her in the car on the way to Birmingham.

I look at her schoolwork from when Ethan was here, and the tears come.

I feel like I was so naive then.  There was an innocence there that no longer exists--- for me, for Josh, for Emily... for us all.

Daddy and I never imagined Emily and Ethan wouldn't grow up together, and neither did she.

Little Brothers are born, but they don't die...

I am a different person than I was before June 4, 2010.  I am not naive anymore.  I look in the mirror, and I feel like my face is old... like I can tell just from my appearance that I've lost a child, my precious Ethan...

No, I'm not the same person.  

But I'm a better person.  I know what matters in life, and what doesn't.  My heart aches for others, particularly for those who have lost a child, in a way I never knew was possible.  And I know God in a way that, to be honest, I never wanted to know him.  It's an intimacy that gives me my every breath.  My heart, though broken, is continuously being shaped by the Potter.  He promises to keep working with the clay.

Yes, I'm a better person... and God and my son have made me that way.

Father And Son

No words tonight...


Ethan and Daddy, March 17, 2010.

Home

Sissy and Ethan "watching TV" together on March 30, 2010.



Missing both my babies tonight. One is with her grandparents in Ohio for a wedding, and the other is in Heaven.

One will come home to me...

and the other I will go Home to one day.

I long for the day when we will all be there together: Sissy, Ethan, Julia, Sammy, Asher, MacKenzie, Daddy, and me.

Forever.

16 Months Later

Ethan and Daddy, just hours before Ethan went to live with Jesus...




It's been a hard day.

October 4th marked 16 months since Ethan left our arms for the arms of Jesus.

16 months... how can it even be possible?

It still feels like yesterday, and I can still feel him in my arms.

16 months later, and I still wonder every day if it is indeed possible to die from a broken heart.

I still wonder how I function every day, do what I need to do, mother Emily and take care of Baby Julia in my belly...

And I know it all goes back to God's grace.

What does God's grace mean to me now?

It means strength to do the impossible--- to breathe when your child no longer breathes on this earth.

16 months have passed, but as I've said before when it comes to time, it doesn't really mean anything.

16 months later, and the love is still the same.

16 months later, and I long for him as much as I ever have.

16 months later, and he is still my sweet baby boy.

16 months later, and still my heart's cry is...

I miss him.

I Love Daddy!

Ethan in Daddy's favorite shirt... May 24, 2010.


The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you are really my friend, let me hear the music of his name!

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul!

~Author Unknown~

A "Complete-Family" Day

This day last year was the only day we got to take Ethan to the park (this particular park is huge and includes three lakes--- we love it!). The plan was to let Emily ride her bike while Daddy and I walked, pushing Ethan in his stroller.

Daddy tried to tell me that the park didn't allow bikes on the walking path, but I was positive they did. When we arrived, Daddy proved me wrong by pointing out a big sign :), and Emily begged to play on the playground with the other kids.

So Daddy and I happily took turns being with each of our children... me pushing Ethan (who enjoyed sleeping with a cool breeze and the sun on his face!) in the stroller on the walking trail while Daddy watched Emily on the playground, then switching places.

It was a good, good day.

It was a "Complete-Family" Day.

My Heart Is Aching...

to be with you again.




Ethan, these pictures (taken on April 14, 2010) remind me of your first weeks home from the hospital, when your Daddy, Sissy and I would tease that you looked like "a little old man"... especially when you were up on our shoulder, your little face peeking over it and your little cheeks hanging down! :) We nicknamed you "Benjamin Button" and toted you around the house, smothering you with kisses!

We love and miss you, Sweet Boy... we are ready for Jesus to come back and get us!

Our Official Holiday

Since Ethan went to live with Jesus, our little family has decided to have an "official holiday".

We love Thanksgiving and absolutely adore Christmas... but Easter will always hold our hearts in such a special way.

You see, Easter was the only holiday we had Ethan here with us (outside my womb)...

and Easter is the reason Ethan still lives.

About two months ago (on February 6th), while sitting in church on Sunday listening to my husband preach, I felt like God was speaking to me in a precious way.

Before my husband even used the words, "This is for you" that morning, referring to Jesus talking on the cross, I felt God speaking them to me--- about Ethan.

I began furiously writing down what I felt like God was saying might have been His words to Ethan when He (Jesus) was on the cross.

Now, I'm not proclaiming this is what Jesus actually said. Although if He were to reveal to me that these were indeed the exact words He said 2,000 years ago, I would have no problem telling you so. I know God is able to speak to me that personally.

What I do know is that God gave me these words that Sunday two months ago, and He did so for a reason.

"Ethan, this is for you. At the perfect time, you will be born into a family that will have longed for you their entire lives. You will make them whole.

You will be born with a heart that, although perfect to Me, will have a medical defect because of the sickness and disease that is in the world. Your earthly life will be cut short because of this defect.

Your family will grieve terribly for you. They will miss you more than words can say. And they will long for Heaven like never before.

Because, Ethan, that is where you will be. Because of My blood, you will be with Me.

Ethan, this is for you."

A Precious Girl, A Precious Day

March 21, 2010 was Ethan's Due Date.

Though we knew from the beginning he would not be born exactly on that day, for almost nine months, it was the only answer we had to the question of when our precious son would arrive.

March 12th is his birthday... but March 21st is still such a special day to us.

Just as Emily's birthday is November 22nd, but December 1st was her due date.

My children...

So wanted, so loved.

Tonight, Emily made a craft to use in a song she wanted to sing to us--- a song that is very special to our family. A song that I've sang to Emily, and a song that Emily, Daddy and I have sang to Ethan at the cemetery.

I thought it was neat that she happened to choose to do this today, without me having the chance to tell her what today is.

Oh, what a precious girl, oh what a precious day...



(Press pause on the music player at the bottom of the page before pressing play on the video.)

Working With Daddy

Daddy and Ethan, May 25, 2010

Daddy's desk is always a mess, but what captured Ethan's attention was Daddy's screensaver! :)

Daddy would give anything to be able to have you in his office again, Sweet Boy!

We love you beyond measure and miss you every moment!

Ethan's First Birthday

No words tonight...

Just so much love.



(Click pause on the music player at the bottom of this page before clicking on the video.)

A Special Anniversary

I have so many emotions going on right now, but I wanted to share a tidbit from Ethan's life, so I'm going to just copy and paste my facebook status from today:

"Hubby and I have been married for nine years today! :) Last year on this date, I was in the hospital having constant contractions with Ethan (again!!), and Dr. Nelson was preparing to do my c-section the next day (or in the middle of the night if my water broke), because she wasn't sure she could stop the contractions and needed to keep my uterus from rupturing. But she did stop them, so she scheduled his birthday for March 12th instead. It is a memory that brings tears to my eyes and a catch in my throat, because it is an incredibly precious part of Ethan's life and our family's story..."

We will always remember the wedding anniversary Ethan was in my belly and we thought we were going to meet him the next day!

Daddy, Sissy and I are missing you today, Sweet Boy... as always!

We love you and anxiously await Reunion Day!

Our Little Valentine

Dear Ethan,

You are our Little Valentine.

We love you and miss you more than we will ever be able to express.

You captured our hearts while you were still in my tummy... which is where you spent your very first Valentine's Day!

We remember it so clearly...

I was on strict bed rest with you (and had been since the first week of January), so Daddy made stuffed shells and we snuggled on the couch together, watching a movie he gave me called "No Greater Love". The other part of my gift was the precious Willow Tree figurine that sits on your dresser... we were awaiting your arrival with great anticipation!

Now we await our arrival in Heaven with great anticipation--- because then we will be with you forever!

Happy First Valentine's Day in Heaven, Sweet Boy... to think you are spending it with the One Who is Love...

Love,

Mama, Daddy and Sissy


Getting ready for you... your nursery on March 1, 2010. :)

Love, Sissy

I love you, Ethan!

It's snowing outside.

I wish my Little Brother was here to see it.

It's a blizzard outside!

I love you, Brother, and I miss you!

Mama and Daddy loves you, too!

Love,

Sissy

Ethan, Eight Months Ago Today...

I held you in my arms for the last time on this earth.

The pain is unbearable... yet we bear it because we know you are being cared for perfectly by Jesus Christ Himself, and that we will get to spend Eternity with you.

Daddy, Sissy and I love and miss you more than words could ever, ever, ever say...

We can't wait to be with you again, Sweet Boy.

Love,

Mama

New Year, Same Love

Ethan Comes Home from the Hospital... March 18, 2010

You Are Nine Months Old, Baby Boy!

Sweet Ethan,

We took "baby boy blue" balloons to your grave today.

They are bouncing around in the wind, reminding us you are not dead--- you are absolutely full of life!

And we went to the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting tonight... it is an annual event held to remember and honor children who have passed from this life to the next.

Our favorite part of the evening?

Your name was called out:

"Ethan Carter Lane"

And Daddy, Sissy and I walked up on stage...

Sissy was between Daddy and I, and we all held hands...

With our free hands, Daddy and I each lit the candles we held that represented you from a beautiful big candle... and then the three of us walked with the candles back to our seats.

The room soon filled with candles burning bright...

as so many precious children were honored... including Mrs. Kay's son, Mark... and Mrs. Wendy's sister, Staci.

Today you are nine months old, Baby Boy...

I can't believe it.

Most of all, I can't believe you aren't here with us.

One day, there will be no more candle lighting...

Because we will hold you again.

We wait with great expectation for that day!

We love you and we miss you--- beyond words, beyond measure.

Love,

Mama

Not Sure... Yet Sure

I am not sure how much longer I can hold it together this holiday season...

Please, Lord, be near me.

Ethan, words cannot express how much I love and miss you... but I pray you know.

My heart aches for Home... my true home--- because it is the one where you and our other babies and Grampy and Jesus live.

Someday soon, the Lord will split the sky...

and Daddy, Sissy and I will rise... and we will all be together for eternity!

So while I am not sure how much more Christmas I can take, I am sure about this:

On the day Jesus comes back for me, my heart will be made whole.

Your First Snow

Sweet Ethan,

You are missing your First Snow...

I know Heaven is so much better, but I can't help it--- I am heartbroken.

You should be here, with us and your Sissy...

She should be telling you all about snow like she just told me!

She is at the office with your Daddy. I noticed little snowflakes coming down on our back patio, and called Daddy right away to have him take her outside. She got on the phone and proceeded to tell me how snow is made out of ice and water. :)

It is just starting to come down... little, tiny flakes and none on the ground yet.

Sissy's First Snow was in January of 2009, when she was four years old!

And here your first one is, when you are only a few days shy of nine months old... but not here to enjoy it.

Snow is so magical that I wonder if there is any in Heaven... without the bitter cold, of course!

I wonder about so many things in Heaven.

Most of all, I wonder what you are doing.

As your Mama, it's not good enough to just know you are happy and safe... I want details!!

I guess it has to be good enough, though, because I don't get to know the details until I meet you there.

If there is snow in Heaven, I want you to make a big snowball and throw it at Grampy!

Tell him his daughter misses him and can't wait to be with you both!

And if there isn't snow in Heaven...

it means it is nothing compared to the glory you live in.

I love you, Sweet Boy--- and miss you every single moment.

Love,

Mama

Six Months Later...

How are we doing six months after holding our precious Ethan for the last time?

Still taking it one day (or hour or second!) at a time.

There are many things I have learned over the last six months. Things I thought to be true, and now know are true.

One of them is that time DOES NOT heal all wounds.

Honestly, I hate the phrase that says it does.

If you have lost a child, you probably hate it, too.

And if you haven't, please try to understand... or at least trust that I know what I'm talking about.

Time DOES NOT heal the wound of burying your child...

of not being able to cuddle him, kiss him, tell him "I love you" or watch him grow...

of watching his Sissy alone when she should have him with her...

of waking up every morning without him, and trying to sleep knowing he won't be there the next morning, either...

Time does not heal the countless, countless, countless wounds of living without him.

Pure and simple.

Josh, Emily and I will always grieve as those who have hope... but, we will always grieve.

I feel like some of the people who love us are waiting for us to "get back to normal"... to "return to our old selves"...

Because they love us.

But, it is never going to happen.

You don't bury your child and remain the same.

My husband and I became different people on June 4, 2010.

Better people, I believe.

Ethan changed us for the better when he was alive... continues to change us for the better now... and will change us for the better forever.

My husband and I love each other more fiercely.

We know what is important in life... and what isn't.

We know the hand of God like we never have before.

We depend on Him for every breath... because there is no breathing otherwise.

There is no doing our relationship with God "halfway". We cannot survive on mediocrity. We need all of Him.

We are better parents. We know that just because we hold Emily in our arms today doesn't mean we will get to hold her in our arms tomorrow.

We know unimaginable sorrow so profoundly... and know God will use that sorrow for His Kingdom and for the good of others.

Our Ethan's life has already had an eternal impact--- and it's only been six months.

No, we will never be the same.

Our Ethan is too special for that.

Thank you, Lord.

And thank you to those who love us... for doing so.