Dear Ethan,
Happy Valentine's Day, Sweet Boy!
How I wish you were here... but you are still Mama's Little Valentine! Always will be. I love you and miss you so much.
God continues to teach me so much about gratitude as I walk through this life without you by my side. How I wish you walked next to me, tugging at my hand, always needing something...
It is amazing to think that you don't need anything from me... heartbreaking, yet at the same time, amazing.
The fact that all your needs are met... that you are perfectly happy and whole... it makes my heart smile, in spite of the constant ache.
How I long to tell you I love you face to face today...
How I wish I was receiving a sticky, handmade valentine sealed with a kiss from my one and only son.
Your sisters are beautiful... simply beautiful.
Their hearts shine... I know you know this already, and are so proud.
What is Valentine's Day like in Heaven?
I suspect it's not celebrated.
After all, you are surrounded by perfect love each and every day. Valentine's Day has no place in Heaven. It simply isn't needed.
Here on Earth, we need it. We need a day to stop and take the time to show our love for each other just a little more purposefully and intentionally than we do most days.
But in Heaven?
You never forget to tell each other. Jesus never forgets to tell you.
You are aware every moment of just how much you are loved.
You know to the full extent the love Jesus has for you, and the love Daddy and I and the rest of your family have for you... you know it perfectly.
Oh, how my heart rejoices at this!
Love,
Mama
Showing posts with label Heaven. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heaven. Show all posts
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Home
Sissy and Ethan "watching TV" together on March 30, 2010.
Missing both my babies tonight. One is with her grandparents in Ohio for a wedding, and the other is in Heaven.
One will come home to me...
and the other I will go Home to one day.
I long for the day when we will all be there together: Sissy, Ethan, Julia, Sammy, Asher, MacKenzie, Daddy, and me.
Forever.
Missing both my babies tonight. One is with her grandparents in Ohio for a wedding, and the other is in Heaven.
One will come home to me...
and the other I will go Home to one day.
I long for the day when we will all be there together: Sissy, Ethan, Julia, Sammy, Asher, MacKenzie, Daddy, and me.
Forever.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Beauty... And Sorrow
I was put on bed rest and Procardia on September 30th (at almost 30 weeks) for pre-term labor (cramping/contracting and dilating to 1 cm), and it brings back so many memories of my bed rest with Ethan, which started at 26 1/2 weeks. Not that the memories aren't always there, anyway... because they are. And I am grateful for them.
But I am 31 1/2 weeks pregnant today, and as sweet Julia's birth approaches (she will be delivered via c-section somewhere between 37-39 weeks) and we give God praise for what He is doing, I have so many thoughts and emotions tumbling around inside me, constantly.
My heart feels so bruised lately. The ache that is always there almost feels even a little more raw than it normally does. It is impossible to explain, because it always hurts this bad--- always. So it's hard to explain how the pain is somehow more tender...
My best guess is that my emotions are building as we prepare to meet Julia and hold her in our arms. Sometimes I wonder if I will weep at the sight of her, because I will be so incredibly grateful for her and yet so... sad.
When Ethan was born, there was never thought of an "after"... there was only a beginning to our child's life, not an "end".
Likewise, we had experienced Emily's birth with nothing but joy, and though we were terrified each time she had surgery, there were always nothing but happy endings.
But then Ethan met Jesus face to face. And now we have seen both sides of our child's life. We have seen our child be born, and we have seen our child die.
This changes everything.
Because in the moment of Julia's birth... in the beauty of that moment... will also be sorrow.
Her brother is not here, and he should be--- and he is irreplacable.
I'm struggling to express some of the things my heart is grappling with...
Yet with all of the pain, there is so much joy, too.
Because in less than 6-8 weeks, Julia will be placed in my arms.
But before she is placed in my arms, we will look into each other's eyes.
And that's when the beauty of that moment will overshadow the pain.
I will feel Ethan smiling down on us, feel his love for us... and I will picture him saying,
"See, Mama?
He makes all things new."
But I am 31 1/2 weeks pregnant today, and as sweet Julia's birth approaches (she will be delivered via c-section somewhere between 37-39 weeks) and we give God praise for what He is doing, I have so many thoughts and emotions tumbling around inside me, constantly.
My heart feels so bruised lately. The ache that is always there almost feels even a little more raw than it normally does. It is impossible to explain, because it always hurts this bad--- always. So it's hard to explain how the pain is somehow more tender...
My best guess is that my emotions are building as we prepare to meet Julia and hold her in our arms. Sometimes I wonder if I will weep at the sight of her, because I will be so incredibly grateful for her and yet so... sad.
When Ethan was born, there was never thought of an "after"... there was only a beginning to our child's life, not an "end".
Likewise, we had experienced Emily's birth with nothing but joy, and though we were terrified each time she had surgery, there were always nothing but happy endings.
But then Ethan met Jesus face to face. And now we have seen both sides of our child's life. We have seen our child be born, and we have seen our child die.
This changes everything.
Because in the moment of Julia's birth... in the beauty of that moment... will also be sorrow.
Her brother is not here, and he should be--- and he is irreplacable.
I'm struggling to express some of the things my heart is grappling with...
Yet with all of the pain, there is so much joy, too.
Because in less than 6-8 weeks, Julia will be placed in my arms.
But before she is placed in my arms, we will look into each other's eyes.
And that's when the beauty of that moment will overshadow the pain.
I will feel Ethan smiling down on us, feel his love for us... and I will picture him saying,
"See, Mama?
He makes all things new."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
16 Months Later
Ethan and Daddy, just hours before Ethan went to live with Jesus...
It's been a hard day.
October 4th marked 16 months since Ethan left our arms for the arms of Jesus.
16 months... how can it even be possible?
It still feels like yesterday, and I can still feel him in my arms.
16 months later, and I still wonder every day if it is indeed possible to die from a broken heart.
I still wonder how I function every day, do what I need to do, mother Emily and take care of Baby Julia in my belly...
And I know it all goes back to God's grace.
What does God's grace mean to me now?
It means strength to do the impossible--- to breathe when your child no longer breathes on this earth.
16 months have passed, but as I've said before when it comes to time, it doesn't really mean anything.
16 months later, and the love is still the same.
16 months later, and I long for him as much as I ever have.
16 months later, and he is still my sweet baby boy.
16 months later, and still my heart's cry is...
I miss him.
It's been a hard day.
October 4th marked 16 months since Ethan left our arms for the arms of Jesus.
16 months... how can it even be possible?
It still feels like yesterday, and I can still feel him in my arms.
16 months later, and I still wonder every day if it is indeed possible to die from a broken heart.
I still wonder how I function every day, do what I need to do, mother Emily and take care of Baby Julia in my belly...
And I know it all goes back to God's grace.
What does God's grace mean to me now?
It means strength to do the impossible--- to breathe when your child no longer breathes on this earth.
16 months have passed, but as I've said before when it comes to time, it doesn't really mean anything.
16 months later, and the love is still the same.
16 months later, and I long for him as much as I ever have.
16 months later, and he is still my sweet baby boy.
16 months later, and still my heart's cry is...
I miss him.
Friday, June 3, 2011
I Can't Believe
I can't believe tomorrow is June 4th.
I can't believe that on this date last year, we were spending our last day here on Earth with our son... and didn't even know it.
One of my first blog posts was about that day... I talked about our last family meal, at Olive Garden... I called it "Part One", because I planned to finish describing the day in a second post...
http://ethancarterlane.blogspot.com/2010/07/sweet-sweet-memories-ethan-on-june-3.html
It's a year later, and I haven't written it yet.
Maybe this weekend, I will try.
I want so much to share the rest of that last incredible day we had as a family.
But more than anything, I just want my son back.
I can't explain the longing we have for Ethan. It truly is indescribable.
I know no other pain like this... none.
And then I think of the people who don't know Christ... and will be separated from their loved ones forever.
You see, with all my unbearable pain, I bear it... because I know I will see my son again.
But there are people who will never see their children again, because they don't have a relationship with Christ... and so will be separated from Him and them for all Eternity.
Separation is the worst agony.
I thank God that by His saving grace, it can be temporary.
I can't believe that on this date last year, we were spending our last day here on Earth with our son... and didn't even know it.
One of my first blog posts was about that day... I talked about our last family meal, at Olive Garden... I called it "Part One", because I planned to finish describing the day in a second post...
http://ethancarterlane.blogspot.com/2010/07/sweet-sweet-memories-ethan-on-june-3.html
It's a year later, and I haven't written it yet.
Maybe this weekend, I will try.
I want so much to share the rest of that last incredible day we had as a family.
But more than anything, I just want my son back.
I can't explain the longing we have for Ethan. It truly is indescribable.
I know no other pain like this... none.
And then I think of the people who don't know Christ... and will be separated from their loved ones forever.
You see, with all my unbearable pain, I bear it... because I know I will see my son again.
But there are people who will never see their children again, because they don't have a relationship with Christ... and so will be separated from Him and them for all Eternity.
Separation is the worst agony.
I thank God that by His saving grace, it can be temporary.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thank You, Jesus...
for the cross.
Ethan on the evening of June 2, 2010. Less than 48 hours later, he would meet Jesus face to face... and because of the cross, live forever with Him.
One day, I will join them.
Ethan on the evening of June 2, 2010. Less than 48 hours later, he would meet Jesus face to face... and because of the cross, live forever with Him.
One day, I will join them.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
There Is A Difference
My cousin Erin told me about a song today...
She said she thought of me and Ethan when she heard it on the radio the other day.
It is about someone dying young, and one of the lyrics is:
"I've had just enough time."
It made me think of something I know to be true, but still need to be reminded of often.
Ethan doesn't feel like his life here was cut short, even though it was.
He doesn't look at it like that, even though we do.
He walks and talks with Jesus... looks in the face of the One Who made him... knows nothing but joy...
And can't wait to show me around Heaven.
Linda, a dear friend of ours (in fact, her husband is the friend who preached Ethan's Memorial Service), explained this to me:
Ethan does not miss me... he waits with great expectation for me to join him.
There is a difference.
And it is one I am so grateful for.
I am Ethan's Mama... I can't bear to think of him missing me, because that means he is not completely whole and happy.
Missing someone involves longing and sorrow...
No, I don't want him to miss me.
I thank my God Ethan feels no sorrow. And longs for nothing.
He is, as my sweet friend Linda says, "safe in God's arms".
He is completely whole and happy... he lacks nothing.
But he still looks forward to the day his Mama joins him.
He doesn't miss me--- he waits for me!
I needed this today, Erin. I love you, Cousin.
And I love you, Linda!
She said she thought of me and Ethan when she heard it on the radio the other day.
It is about someone dying young, and one of the lyrics is:
"I've had just enough time."
It made me think of something I know to be true, but still need to be reminded of often.
Ethan doesn't feel like his life here was cut short, even though it was.
He doesn't look at it like that, even though we do.
He walks and talks with Jesus... looks in the face of the One Who made him... knows nothing but joy...
And can't wait to show me around Heaven.
Linda, a dear friend of ours (in fact, her husband is the friend who preached Ethan's Memorial Service), explained this to me:
Ethan does not miss me... he waits with great expectation for me to join him.
There is a difference.
And it is one I am so grateful for.
I am Ethan's Mama... I can't bear to think of him missing me, because that means he is not completely whole and happy.
Missing someone involves longing and sorrow...
No, I don't want him to miss me.
I thank my God Ethan feels no sorrow. And longs for nothing.
He is, as my sweet friend Linda says, "safe in God's arms".
He is completely whole and happy... he lacks nothing.
But he still looks forward to the day his Mama joins him.
He doesn't miss me--- he waits for me!
I needed this today, Erin. I love you, Cousin.
And I love you, Linda!
Friday, April 8, 2011
Our Official Holiday
Since Ethan went to live with Jesus, our little family has decided to have an "official holiday".
We love Thanksgiving and absolutely adore Christmas... but Easter will always hold our hearts in such a special way.
You see, Easter was the only holiday we had Ethan here with us (outside my womb)...
and Easter is the reason Ethan still lives.
About two months ago (on February 6th), while sitting in church on Sunday listening to my husband preach, I felt like God was speaking to me in a precious way.
Before my husband even used the words, "This is for you" that morning, referring to Jesus talking on the cross, I felt God speaking them to me--- about Ethan.
I began furiously writing down what I felt like God was saying might have been His words to Ethan when He (Jesus) was on the cross.
Now, I'm not proclaiming this is what Jesus actually said. Although if He were to reveal to me that these were indeed the exact words He said 2,000 years ago, I would have no problem telling you so. I know God is able to speak to me that personally.
What I do know is that God gave me these words that Sunday two months ago, and He did so for a reason.
"Ethan, this is for you. At the perfect time, you will be born into a family that will have longed for you their entire lives. You will make them whole.
You will be born with a heart that, although perfect to Me, will have a medical defect because of the sickness and disease that is in the world. Your earthly life will be cut short because of this defect.
Your family will grieve terribly for you. They will miss you more than words can say. And they will long for Heaven like never before.
Because, Ethan, that is where you will be. Because of My blood, you will be with Me.
Ethan, this is for you."
We love Thanksgiving and absolutely adore Christmas... but Easter will always hold our hearts in such a special way.
You see, Easter was the only holiday we had Ethan here with us (outside my womb)...
and Easter is the reason Ethan still lives.
About two months ago (on February 6th), while sitting in church on Sunday listening to my husband preach, I felt like God was speaking to me in a precious way.
Before my husband even used the words, "This is for you" that morning, referring to Jesus talking on the cross, I felt God speaking them to me--- about Ethan.
I began furiously writing down what I felt like God was saying might have been His words to Ethan when He (Jesus) was on the cross.
Now, I'm not proclaiming this is what Jesus actually said. Although if He were to reveal to me that these were indeed the exact words He said 2,000 years ago, I would have no problem telling you so. I know God is able to speak to me that personally.
What I do know is that God gave me these words that Sunday two months ago, and He did so for a reason.
"Ethan, this is for you. At the perfect time, you will be born into a family that will have longed for you their entire lives. You will make them whole.
You will be born with a heart that, although perfect to Me, will have a medical defect because of the sickness and disease that is in the world. Your earthly life will be cut short because of this defect.
Your family will grieve terribly for you. They will miss you more than words can say. And they will long for Heaven like never before.
Because, Ethan, that is where you will be. Because of My blood, you will be with Me.
Ethan, this is for you."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Three Translations...
describe one little boy.
Thank you, Lord, for speaking to me today.
Psalm 37:18, New International Version:
The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
Psalm 37:18, Amplified Bible:
The Lord knows the days of the upright and blameless,
and their heritage will abide forever.
Psalm 37:18, New King James Version:
The LORD knows the days of the upright,
And their inheritance shall be forever.
Thank you, Lord, for speaking to me today.
Psalm 37:18, New International Version:
The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
Psalm 37:18, Amplified Bible:
The Lord knows the days of the upright and blameless,
and their heritage will abide forever.
Psalm 37:18, New King James Version:
The LORD knows the days of the upright,
And their inheritance shall be forever.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A Special Anniversary
I have so many emotions going on right now, but I wanted to share a tidbit from Ethan's life, so I'm going to just copy and paste my facebook status from today:
"Hubby and I have been married for nine years today! :) Last year on this date, I was in the hospital having constant contractions with Ethan (again!!), and Dr. Nelson was preparing to do my c-section the next day (or in the middle of the night if my water broke), because she wasn't sure she could stop the contractions and needed to keep my uterus from rupturing. But she did stop them, so she scheduled his birthday for March 12th instead. It is a memory that brings tears to my eyes and a catch in my throat, because it is an incredibly precious part of Ethan's life and our family's story..."
We will always remember the wedding anniversary Ethan was in my belly and we thought we were going to meet him the next day!
Daddy, Sissy and I are missing you today, Sweet Boy... as always!
We love you and anxiously await Reunion Day!
"Hubby and I have been married for nine years today! :) Last year on this date, I was in the hospital having constant contractions with Ethan (again!!), and Dr. Nelson was preparing to do my c-section the next day (or in the middle of the night if my water broke), because she wasn't sure she could stop the contractions and needed to keep my uterus from rupturing. But she did stop them, so she scheduled his birthday for March 12th instead. It is a memory that brings tears to my eyes and a catch in my throat, because it is an incredibly precious part of Ethan's life and our family's story..."
We will always remember the wedding anniversary Ethan was in my belly and we thought we were going to meet him the next day!
Daddy, Sissy and I are missing you today, Sweet Boy... as always!
We love you and anxiously await Reunion Day!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Looking Up
Dear Ethan,
Last night we had an all-night prayer meeting at church... we met at 9:00pm and prayed and worshipped until 6:00am this morning.
Your Sissy tried hard to stay awake as long as she could, but alas, at 2:00am, her little body gave in to sweet dreams in her sleeping bag on the front pew... as Mr. Micah led us in worship with his guitar! :)
Earlier, though, she did something that melted my heart...
I was at the altar, and she was next to me.
Lying in her Disney Princess sleeping bag.
With her Barbie pillow.
And her little hands clasped tightly in prayer.
"Dear God, I wish you would..." I heard her say, in her little girl voice.
The rest was a whisper... just her and Her Saviour.
Precious.
Ethan, I know you talk to Him, too...
Only you do it face to face.
I know you are full of joy... of love... of wonder...
But, I miss you.
I'm praying God will tell you how very, very much I love you...
How I long for you...
How I am counting down the days until we are all together again.
One day, He will split the sky.
And I am looking up.
Last night we had an all-night prayer meeting at church... we met at 9:00pm and prayed and worshipped until 6:00am this morning.
Your Sissy tried hard to stay awake as long as she could, but alas, at 2:00am, her little body gave in to sweet dreams in her sleeping bag on the front pew... as Mr. Micah led us in worship with his guitar! :)
Earlier, though, she did something that melted my heart...
I was at the altar, and she was next to me.
Lying in her Disney Princess sleeping bag.
With her Barbie pillow.
And her little hands clasped tightly in prayer.
"Dear God, I wish you would..." I heard her say, in her little girl voice.
The rest was a whisper... just her and Her Saviour.
Precious.
Ethan, I know you talk to Him, too...
Only you do it face to face.
I know you are full of joy... of love... of wonder...
But, I miss you.
I'm praying God will tell you how very, very much I love you...
How I long for you...
How I am counting down the days until we are all together again.
One day, He will split the sky.
And I am looking up.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Our Little Valentine
Dear Ethan,
You are our Little Valentine.
We love you and miss you more than we will ever be able to express.
You captured our hearts while you were still in my tummy... which is where you spent your very first Valentine's Day!
We remember it so clearly...
I was on strict bed rest with you (and had been since the first week of January), so Daddy made stuffed shells and we snuggled on the couch together, watching a movie he gave me called "No Greater Love". The other part of my gift was the precious Willow Tree figurine that sits on your dresser... we were awaiting your arrival with great anticipation!
Now we await our arrival in Heaven with great anticipation--- because then we will be with you forever!
Happy First Valentine's Day in Heaven, Sweet Boy... to think you are spending it with the One Who is Love...
Love,
Mama, Daddy and Sissy
Getting ready for you... your nursery on March 1, 2010. :)
You are our Little Valentine.
We love you and miss you more than we will ever be able to express.
You captured our hearts while you were still in my tummy... which is where you spent your very first Valentine's Day!
We remember it so clearly...
I was on strict bed rest with you (and had been since the first week of January), so Daddy made stuffed shells and we snuggled on the couch together, watching a movie he gave me called "No Greater Love". The other part of my gift was the precious Willow Tree figurine that sits on your dresser... we were awaiting your arrival with great anticipation!
Now we await our arrival in Heaven with great anticipation--- because then we will be with you forever!
Happy First Valentine's Day in Heaven, Sweet Boy... to think you are spending it with the One Who is Love...
Love,
Mama, Daddy and Sissy
Getting ready for you... your nursery on March 1, 2010. :)
Friday, February 4, 2011
Ethan, Eight Months Ago Today...
I held you in my arms for the last time on this earth.
The pain is unbearable... yet we bear it because we know you are being cared for perfectly by Jesus Christ Himself, and that we will get to spend Eternity with you.
Daddy, Sissy and I love and miss you more than words could ever, ever, ever say...
We can't wait to be with you again, Sweet Boy.
Love,
Mama
The pain is unbearable... yet we bear it because we know you are being cared for perfectly by Jesus Christ Himself, and that we will get to spend Eternity with you.
Daddy, Sissy and I love and miss you more than words could ever, ever, ever say...
We can't wait to be with you again, Sweet Boy.
Love,
Mama
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Happy Birthday, Grampy and Jackson!
Today is my daddy's birthday... his third one with Jesus and his first one with his grandson.
My daddy went Home to be with Jesus on June 7, 2008... it was completely unexpected and a horrible shock--- and the worst pain I had ever known. On June 7, 2010, I buried my son... it was completely unexpected and a horrible shock--- and the worst pain I have ever known.
There is no sugarcoating it. The truth is, my daddy and my son were suddenly and horrifically ripped away from me.
But I also have to remember some other truths... and they are not an option. They are how I breathe...
My daddy and my son are together.
And they spend their days with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
You see, the day they each met Jesus brought (and brings) me unspeakable pain... but it brought (and brings) them unspeakable happiness.
And One day, I too, will be called Home.
I will see Jesus face to face.
And then, I will see them face to face.
Ever since my daddy has gone to Heaven, every year on his birthday, Josh, Emily and I go out to eat and have cake. We sing Happy Birthday to Grampy in Heaven, and we honor him and his life.
Last year on this day, my precious nephew Jackson was born. His mama, Amanda, is like a sister to me. How I love it that Jackson shares his Uncle Mac's birthday. (We are all certain my daddy would have called him "Mackson", by the way!)
Here is Emily tonight, doing an encore of the songs she sang at our special lunch today.
Daddy--- I love and miss you!! Kiss my son for me.
Jackson--- Wear John Deere proudly and every chance you get!
My daddy went Home to be with Jesus on June 7, 2008... it was completely unexpected and a horrible shock--- and the worst pain I had ever known. On June 7, 2010, I buried my son... it was completely unexpected and a horrible shock--- and the worst pain I have ever known.
There is no sugarcoating it. The truth is, my daddy and my son were suddenly and horrifically ripped away from me.
But I also have to remember some other truths... and they are not an option. They are how I breathe...
My daddy and my son are together.
And they spend their days with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
You see, the day they each met Jesus brought (and brings) me unspeakable pain... but it brought (and brings) them unspeakable happiness.
And One day, I too, will be called Home.
I will see Jesus face to face.
And then, I will see them face to face.
Ever since my daddy has gone to Heaven, every year on his birthday, Josh, Emily and I go out to eat and have cake. We sing Happy Birthday to Grampy in Heaven, and we honor him and his life.
Last year on this day, my precious nephew Jackson was born. His mama, Amanda, is like a sister to me. How I love it that Jackson shares his Uncle Mac's birthday. (We are all certain my daddy would have called him "Mackson", by the way!)
Here is Emily tonight, doing an encore of the songs she sang at our special lunch today.
Daddy--- I love and miss you!! Kiss my son for me.
Jackson--- Wear John Deere proudly and every chance you get!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Triggers
So, I tried to be "normal" today, like I do every day, even though there is nothing normal about my life anymore...
I went about the day doing what I needed to do...
as if my son isn't dead (on this earth).
I did some things in the morning, then went to Subway with Emily and Josh for lunch, then to a doctor's appointment... then Emily and I took a detour to the cemetery before going to Walmart.
(Okay, so obviously the cemetery wouldn't have been on the agenda if Ethan hadn't died... but, you know what I mean...)
My point is I was functioning.
I was doing what I needed to do.
I ran into someone I know at Walmart and we talked about Ethan's death, but I held it together... to be honest, talking about Ethan is a need I have... he is my son. And I love hearing his name and knowing he isn't forgotten.
Anyway, I was making it through the day so well...
And then I got home and checked our mail.
There was a catalog from a birthday party supply company.
Highlighting all the different themes for your child's first birthday.
I'm sure the company bought a mailing list that had us on it because Ethan's first birthday is coming up... and when I was pregnant we signed up for all those diaper coupons and baby magazines that have you list the baby's due date.
But, Ethan won't be here for his first birthday... or any birthday.
I'm not making it through the day so well anymore.
"Triggers", they call them--- those things that throw you into your grief when you thought you were doing okay for a moment.
They are unexpected, and they are everywhere.
And, honestly?
It doesn't take a trigger...
my heart always knows my son isn't here.
Jesus, be near me now...
Remind me of the life my son is living right now.
I went about the day doing what I needed to do...
as if my son isn't dead (on this earth).
I did some things in the morning, then went to Subway with Emily and Josh for lunch, then to a doctor's appointment... then Emily and I took a detour to the cemetery before going to Walmart.
(Okay, so obviously the cemetery wouldn't have been on the agenda if Ethan hadn't died... but, you know what I mean...)
My point is I was functioning.
I was doing what I needed to do.
I ran into someone I know at Walmart and we talked about Ethan's death, but I held it together... to be honest, talking about Ethan is a need I have... he is my son. And I love hearing his name and knowing he isn't forgotten.
Anyway, I was making it through the day so well...
And then I got home and checked our mail.
There was a catalog from a birthday party supply company.
Highlighting all the different themes for your child's first birthday.
I'm sure the company bought a mailing list that had us on it because Ethan's first birthday is coming up... and when I was pregnant we signed up for all those diaper coupons and baby magazines that have you list the baby's due date.
But, Ethan won't be here for his first birthday... or any birthday.
I'm not making it through the day so well anymore.
"Triggers", they call them--- those things that throw you into your grief when you thought you were doing okay for a moment.
They are unexpected, and they are everywhere.
And, honestly?
It doesn't take a trigger...
my heart always knows my son isn't here.
Jesus, be near me now...
Remind me of the life my son is living right now.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Another Mother Speaks My Heart
Would you read a post from one of the mamas I found after Ethan went to Heaven?
You can find it at: www.babygirlbutcher.blogspot.com
The writing of Annabelle's Mama often brings tears to my eyes, and many times, I think, "That's me! That's me!" as I am reading.
I just read her post from yesterday entitled "Just a Week Away", and I can identify with it so much. Although no two situations are exactly the same, and there are differences in our stories, she is speaking my heart.
I'm not sure Josh and I are out of the shock phase yet...
but, oh, her words pierce me.
When she talks about not knowing how to celebrate her precious Annabelle's birthday... Ethan's First Birthday is fast approaching, and like a freight train.
And her words pierce me when she says, "The reality of it is that my daughter died and I want to feel the void that she leaves in my heart."
My son died, and I want to feel the void that he leaves in my heart.
Rebecca, how grateful I am that we have been given Eternity with them.
And I'm looking forward to Ethan introducing me to your Annabelle one day.
You can find it at: www.babygirlbutcher.blogspot.com
The writing of Annabelle's Mama often brings tears to my eyes, and many times, I think, "That's me! That's me!" as I am reading.
I just read her post from yesterday entitled "Just a Week Away", and I can identify with it so much. Although no two situations are exactly the same, and there are differences in our stories, she is speaking my heart.
I'm not sure Josh and I are out of the shock phase yet...
but, oh, her words pierce me.
When she talks about not knowing how to celebrate her precious Annabelle's birthday... Ethan's First Birthday is fast approaching, and like a freight train.
And her words pierce me when she says, "The reality of it is that my daughter died and I want to feel the void that she leaves in my heart."
My son died, and I want to feel the void that he leaves in my heart.
Rebecca, how grateful I am that we have been given Eternity with them.
And I'm looking forward to Ethan introducing me to your Annabelle one day.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
A Christmas Poem
It's impossible for me to wipe away the tears, but I still find this poem very special. Thank you to my GriefShare leader, Ellen, who gave it to me.
My First Christmas in Heaven
Author Unknown
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
My First Christmas in Heaven
Author Unknown
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Not Sure... Yet Sure
I am not sure how much longer I can hold it together this holiday season...
Please, Lord, be near me.
Ethan, words cannot express how much I love and miss you... but I pray you know.
My heart aches for Home... my true home--- because it is the one where you and our other babies and Grampy and Jesus live.
Someday soon, the Lord will split the sky...
and Daddy, Sissy and I will rise... and we will all be together for eternity!
So while I am not sure how much more Christmas I can take, I am sure about this:
On the day Jesus comes back for me, my heart will be made whole.
Please, Lord, be near me.
Ethan, words cannot express how much I love and miss you... but I pray you know.
My heart aches for Home... my true home--- because it is the one where you and our other babies and Grampy and Jesus live.
Someday soon, the Lord will split the sky...
and Daddy, Sissy and I will rise... and we will all be together for eternity!
So while I am not sure how much more Christmas I can take, I am sure about this:
On the day Jesus comes back for me, my heart will be made whole.
"Mama Love Ethan!"
"Mama love Ethan!"
Oh, how I remember saying that in a sing-song voice to you, my Sweet Boy...
it was one of the ways I told you "I love you"--- a special, grammatically-incorrect way. :)
How I long to be able to say those words to you again...
To look into your big, beautiful eyes and tell you with mine just how precious you are to me...
I know you know love like I never have as you sit at the feet of the One Who is Love.
Still, I long to express mine to you...
Because I am your Mama.
Oh, how I remember saying that in a sing-song voice to you, my Sweet Boy...
it was one of the ways I told you "I love you"--- a special, grammatically-incorrect way. :)
How I long to be able to say those words to you again...
To look into your big, beautiful eyes and tell you with mine just how precious you are to me...
I know you know love like I never have as you sit at the feet of the One Who is Love.
Still, I long to express mine to you...
Because I am your Mama.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Your First Snow
Sweet Ethan,
You are missing your First Snow...
I know Heaven is so much better, but I can't help it--- I am heartbroken.
You should be here, with us and your Sissy...
She should be telling you all about snow like she just told me!
She is at the office with your Daddy. I noticed little snowflakes coming down on our back patio, and called Daddy right away to have him take her outside. She got on the phone and proceeded to tell me how snow is made out of ice and water. :)
It is just starting to come down... little, tiny flakes and none on the ground yet.
Sissy's First Snow was in January of 2009, when she was four years old!
And here your first one is, when you are only a few days shy of nine months old... but not here to enjoy it.
Snow is so magical that I wonder if there is any in Heaven... without the bitter cold, of course!
I wonder about so many things in Heaven.
Most of all, I wonder what you are doing.
As your Mama, it's not good enough to just know you are happy and safe... I want details!!
I guess it has to be good enough, though, because I don't get to know the details until I meet you there.
If there is snow in Heaven, I want you to make a big snowball and throw it at Grampy!
Tell him his daughter misses him and can't wait to be with you both!
And if there isn't snow in Heaven...
it means it is nothing compared to the glory you live in.
I love you, Sweet Boy--- and miss you every single moment.
Love,
Mama
You are missing your First Snow...
I know Heaven is so much better, but I can't help it--- I am heartbroken.
You should be here, with us and your Sissy...
She should be telling you all about snow like she just told me!
She is at the office with your Daddy. I noticed little snowflakes coming down on our back patio, and called Daddy right away to have him take her outside. She got on the phone and proceeded to tell me how snow is made out of ice and water. :)
It is just starting to come down... little, tiny flakes and none on the ground yet.
Sissy's First Snow was in January of 2009, when she was four years old!
And here your first one is, when you are only a few days shy of nine months old... but not here to enjoy it.
Snow is so magical that I wonder if there is any in Heaven... without the bitter cold, of course!
I wonder about so many things in Heaven.
Most of all, I wonder what you are doing.
As your Mama, it's not good enough to just know you are happy and safe... I want details!!
I guess it has to be good enough, though, because I don't get to know the details until I meet you there.
If there is snow in Heaven, I want you to make a big snowball and throw it at Grampy!
Tell him his daughter misses him and can't wait to be with you both!
And if there isn't snow in Heaven...
it means it is nothing compared to the glory you live in.
I love you, Sweet Boy--- and miss you every single moment.
Love,
Mama
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)