On "Moving On"...

I read a beautiful quote last night from a mother who lost her daughter when her daughter was less than a year old.  It is one of the most beautiful quotes I have ever read.  It is from a free devotional the mother wrote for grieving families entitled "Psalms for the Grieving Heart".  You can find the quote at her website, like I did: www.raisingarrows.net/the-grieving-mother

"I would not move forward if it meant leaving Emmy behind.  I don't know how anyone can pretend a child never existed, take down their pictures, remove their things... No, I do not leave her behind and 'move on', I move forward, with all 5 children--- one running a bit ahead... just out of sight."

Wow.  What a beautiful way to explain something that is so important to explain.

We will never leave Ethan behind.  He exists, he is real, he is our child--- and he waits for us.  We move forward with all three children--- one running a bit ahead... just out of sight.  And in fact, we have six children, and four of them are running a bit ahead... just out of sight!

We love talking about our son.  And there are so many people who let us know they love hearing about him, which makes our hearts overflow.  But sometimes, we can sense that people are "tired" of hearing about Ethan.  Less than four months after he passed away, someone wrote us a letter telling us we needed to "move on".

Here's the thing.  There is no moving on.  Like the quote above says, there is only moving forward with Ethan.  I talk about my girls on Facebook--- a lot.  I talk about my son on Facebook--- a lot.  He is my child just like they are.  He doesn't live with me right now, but one day he will.

You see, this life on Earth is just a vapor--- just a fleeting moment.  Ethan is the one who is really alive!  He is the one who has already started his eternal life.  When you really think about it, I am more dead than he is!

So why would we not talk about him?  He is alive and well.  Perfect, in fact.  We are just temporarily separated from him.  Like my husband always says, if Ethan was grown and living in another state, we wouldn't pretend he doesn't exist just because he's not living in our house anymore.

It all goes back to our view of Eternal Life.  Do we believe in it?  Then we ought to live like it.

Thank you, God, for the gift of Your Son.  Thank you, God, that you will reunite me with my son for Eternity.  I love you.

Valentine's Day in Heaven

Dear Ethan,

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweet Boy!

How I wish you were here... but you are still Mama's Little Valentine!  Always will be.  I love you and miss you so much.

God continues to teach me so much about gratitude as I walk through this life without you by my side.  How I wish you walked next to me, tugging at my hand, always needing something...

It is amazing to think that you don't need anything from me... heartbreaking, yet at the same time, amazing.

The fact that all your needs are met... that you are perfectly happy and whole... it makes my heart smile, in spite of the constant ache.

How I long to tell you I love you face to face today...

How I wish I was receiving a sticky, handmade valentine sealed with a kiss from my one and only son.

Your sisters are beautiful... simply beautiful.

Their hearts shine... I know you know this already, and are so proud.

What is Valentine's Day like in Heaven?

I suspect it's not celebrated.

After all, you are surrounded by perfect love each and every day.  Valentine's Day has no place in Heaven.  It simply isn't needed.

Here on Earth, we need it.  We need a day to stop and take the time to show our love for each other just a little more purposefully and intentionally than we do most days.

But in Heaven?

You never forget to tell each other.  Jesus never forgets to tell you.

You are aware every moment of just how much you are loved.

You know to the full extent the love Jesus has for you, and the love Daddy and I and the rest of your family have for you... you know it perfectly.

Oh, how my heart rejoices at this!

Love,

Mama

The Little Girl...

bringing Mama, Daddy, and Emily so much laughter and joy!

What beautiful children God has blessed us with.

(Pause the music player at the bottom of this page to hear the video.)

Beautiful.

I love these pictures of the girls from Easter last year.  We went to the beach that evening, in time to see the sunset.  It felt like Ethan was shining down on us... simply beautiful.

Gratitude

God has been peeling back layers in me for so long now...

God has been dealing with me for months (no, for the last two and a half years!) about being grateful for the time I had my son here with me.

I feel so cheated... 

and the truth is, we have been cheated.  Cheated out of many, many precious years with Ethan.

But satan is who has cheated us, not God.  Satan is who brought death into the world.  Death was never God's plan.

And in the end, we will not be cheated.  God has promised to restore all we have lost.  I don't know how He will do it, but He said He will, and so He will.

There is a song by David Crowder Band called Shadows that God has used to speak to my heart, to confront me with truth, to take my wounds and lay them out before Him.  There is one part in particular that I can't get away from.  It says:

So in times that are good, in times that are bad
For any time I've had it all I will be glad
And I will boast in the cross, I boast in His name
I will boast in the sunshine, boast in His reign (rain)
What's my life if it's not praising You
Another dollar in my bank account of vain pursuit, I do
Not count my life as any value or precious at all
Let me finish my race, let me answer Your call

So in times that are good, in times that are bad

For any time I've had it ALL I will be glad...

I had it all on the morning of June 4, 2010.

Then suddenly, it was ripped away from me.  

I was stripped of my son in one horrific moment.

I have always been thankful for the time we had with Ethan instead of bitter about how we have been cheated... but God is fleshing out some things in me that need to be fleshed out.

Does my gratitude match the Gift?  Ethan is a Gift.  An incredible, indescribable, amazing, perfect Gift.

I had it ALL for three precious months... I had all my (born) children in my arms, in my lap, in our home.

I hugged and kissed them whenever I wanted to, which was always, and I told them I loved them just as often.

I no longer have that privilege.

Julia has graced our lives with such beauty, yet I can't hold all of my children.  I can't kiss them all, tell them all I love them, watch them all grow up together.

There is always one missing.

Still, I choose gratitude.

"For any time I've had it ALL I will be glad..."