Blessings

I can't believe Julia Carter is going to be 3 years old tomorrow! Every night at bedtime, I put my hand on each of the girls' hearts and bless them. To Emily, I say, "God bless you and heal your heart." It's the same blessing I have pronounced over her since she was 5 years old, when I started. To Julia, I say, "God bless you. God thank you for the Miracle and Gift of Julia." The story behind both of their blessings involve their brother. Julia's blessing is a daily thanksgiving to God for giving her to us after losing her brother... for our "Rainbow Baby". It is also a daily reminder that He healed her heart Supernaturally upon birth. We will never forget when the Cardiologists could not find the heart problem, even though they (and other!) Cardiologists had diagnosed her with it while she was still in my womb. We were part of a special Fetal Anomalies Clinic at UAB for my pregnancy. My labor and her delivery were traumatic and scary and involved a four-hour ambulance ride to UAB and "normal" birth when it was supposed to be my third c-section. Immediately after birth, she was rushed (per the plan) to the Cardiac NICU. Less than a day later, they did her first Echo-cardiogram, and found nothing but a PERFECT heart! 48 hours after birth, she was discharged to come home! Six weeks later, after another follow-up visit, she was officially discharged from her Cardiologist's care! She had Emily and Ethan's Cardiologist for exactly ONE appointment. My family knows heartache and loss very well. And we also recognize the Miracles of God, and the three Perfect Gifts He has given us. We don't ever want to take them for granted! Happy Birthday to our Julia Carter Lane!

My Heart

I know I never write on here anymore.  It's not my plan, in fact it's the opposite, but it's just what happens (or rather, what doesn't happen).

The reasons have nothing to do with Ethan... I love and miss him as much as I always have... even more if that is possible...

No, it's just that life gets in the way.  Life gets in the way of so many things.

But I can't complain when that life has included a beautiful, precious new baby and her incredible big sister... yes, life with a baby is busy.  Life with two children is even busier.  But it is such a beautiful busy.  And oh how I wish it was even crazier, with three children needing me constantly instead of two!

I have been sorting through our homeschool cabinet today, and it's amazing how tears have filled my eyes throughout the whole thing, and how those tears have just sat there, brimming... for hours.

I need them to fall, but I can't seem to let go.  There is a lump in my throat, and the only thing I can think to do is write.

I miss my son.  I miss him with everything in me.  Every fiber of my being.  I feel like I walk around with a heart that is permanently broken.  I know there is nothing anyone can do for me, not really... there is no mending this heart on this side of Heaven.

I'm being honest, because I don't think sugarcoating pain helps anyone.  It definitely doesn't help me, and neither does pretending.

But in the midst of the pain, God has graced us--- yes, graced us--- with unspeakable joy.  So while the pain is unspeakable, so is the joy.  It's like I said in an earlier post... it is possible for joy and sadness to run together...

I am in absolute awe of the little princess God has given us... Julia Carter has swooped into our lives and we are all putty in her hands!  She is an incredible, beautiful, sweet, fiesty, perfect and adorable, ball of energy!

Emily was an extremely easy baby (though we didn't know what that meant at the time, since she was our first), Ethan was a tad higher-maintenance than her (but not much!), and Julia gives us a run for our money! :)  But I simply cannot describe how sweet she is... it's amazing!

Yes, she has been such a balm to our hearts... mine, Josh's, Emily's... our extended family's... she is a Miracle Baby in every sense of the word.

The homeschool cabinet is hard because so many sweet "Ethan Memories" are wrapped up in the contents, like so, so many things in our home.  I started preschool with Emily right before I became pregnant with Ethan, and she actually prayed for a little brother or sister during one of our Bible lessons right around the time he was conceived!  The faith of a child...

The following year, Ethan witnessed her first weeks of Kindergarten, as I often held him in my arms (and many times nursed him) while we did school.

Just two weeks before his death, Emily learned to write their last name.

Just the day before his death, I read Junie B. Jones to her in the car on the way to Birmingham.

I look at her schoolwork from when Ethan was here, and the tears come.

I feel like I was so naive then.  There was an innocence there that no longer exists--- for me, for Josh, for Emily... for us all.

Daddy and I never imagined Emily and Ethan wouldn't grow up together, and neither did she.

Little Brothers are born, but they don't die...

I am a different person than I was before June 4, 2010.  I am not naive anymore.  I look in the mirror, and I feel like my face is old... like I can tell just from my appearance that I've lost a child, my precious Ethan...

No, I'm not the same person.  

But I'm a better person.  I know what matters in life, and what doesn't.  My heart aches for others, particularly for those who have lost a child, in a way I never knew was possible.  And I know God in a way that, to be honest, I never wanted to know him.  It's an intimacy that gives me my every breath.  My heart, though broken, is continuously being shaped by the Potter.  He promises to keep working with the clay.

Yes, I'm a better person... and God and my son have made me that way.

Announcing Julia Carter Lane

Well, this is almost five months late, but...

She's here!!!

She is beautiful beyond words, and our gratefulness to God for her life extends far beyond anything we could ever explain.

Julia Carter Lane was born at 4:14pm on Tuesday, November 29, 2011.  She weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz. and was 18 3/4 inches long, with brown hair and captivating blue eyes.  Her birth was VERY dramatic (another post for another day!), and we praise God for protecting both of us!

And guess what???

HE HEALED HER HEART!!!

We witnessed a supernatural miracle when they did her echo after birth and could not find ANY heart problem, despite her diagnosis while in my womb!

That's MY God!!!

One day soon I will have to share the details!  For now, I just wanted to share that she is here, and leave you with a sweet picture... this is her in her "going home" outfit, which was from her Big Brother, Ethan Carter.  At birth, she was almost the spitting image of her Big Sissy, Emily. But from the start she had facial expressions and mannerisms that reminded us of Ethan, and she quickly started looking like him, too. She is a beautiful combination of them both, with plenty of "just beautiful Julia!", too...

A Miracle For Julia

I can't wait to share more about what God is doing, but we have been in the process of moving to a new church in another state and haven't had Internet access at our new house until a few days ago, so for now, I will just copy and paste a few of the facebook status updates I scribbled from my phone recently...

Saturday, September 10th:

Will be 27 weeks tomorrow... Hard to believe that at this time in my pregnancy with Ethan I had just been put on bed rest a few days ago. In so many ways it feels just like yesterday. Miss him every single moment and can't wait to meet his little sister.


Tuesday, September 13th:

We leave for UAB tonight. Baby Julia Carter's first appointment with the fetal clinic is early tomorrow morning. We covet your prayers so much and are expecting a miracle! She is scheduled for two fetal echoes tomorrow, and we want to be kicked out of the clinic because they can't find any heart problem!!! Our God is able and to Him be the glory, honor, and praise!!!


Saturday, September 17th:

Have been waiting for a chance to post lots of details on Ethan's blog about our appointments at UAB, but Internet is still not working at our new house, so here is a quick update: God is doing a miracle in our Julia!!! She still has the heart problem and will still be followed and delivered at UAB, but the doctors think she will NOT need emergency surgery, and that it is possible she may not ever have to have surgery!!! Praise God, we believe we are witnessing a MIRACLE!!! Thank you for all your prayers, and please keep praying! We want God to completely heal her and take away the heart problem entirely! We don't want surgery now or ever, Amen!!!


Sunday, September 18th:

Couldn't wait to give God the praise He is due this morning (and have been all week)... Looking forward to doing it again tonight! Thank you for all your love and prayers for Baby Julia Carter... We are so grateful for our family and friends! She will be making her debut in just 9-11 short weeks!! :)


WHAT AN INCREDIBLE WEEK! THANK YOU, LORD... WE GIVE YOU GLORY, HONOR, AND PRAISE!

Her Life Has Been Ordained

Yesterday morning, Julia had her fetal echo.

When I was pregnant with Ethan, we asked Emily's cardiologist (who would become Ethan's, too) what the chances were that Ethan would be born with the same heart defect she has. We have the familial form of the disease (meaning it runs in my family), and he told us every baby I have has a 50% chance of having it.

Although we didn't know the exact percentage of likelihood when we got pregnant with Emily or Ethan, we always knew there was a significant chance I'd pass the heart problem down to my children. Hearing the "50%" didn't change anything--- we would have had our children, anyway.

When we made the decision to get pregnant with Julia, we agonized over it only because we had buried Ethan, not because he had had the heart defect.

But we knew when we decided to have her that chance had nothing to do with whether or not she would have the heart defect. Like He had with Emily and Ethan, we knew God would simply say, "Yes, I will allow the heart defect", or "No, I will not."

And for the third time, He has decided to allow it.

The pediatric cardiologist who did Julia's echo yesterday told us Julia has Supravalvular Aortic Stenosis like her brother and sister, possibly has Supravalvular Pulmonic Stenosis like them, and in addition, her aortic valve looks abnormal, so it is probably narrowed, as well.

Although the problem with the aortic valve is due to the same heart defect, this is one part Emily and Ethan did not have, and it may mean Julia will have to have surgery at birth.

She will be getting regular fetal echos, and we have been instructed to deliver her at UAB.

I would be lying if I told you we aren't terrified.

I would also be lying if I told you Julia isn't worth every bit of the fear.

Like Emily and Ethan, she is irreplacable.

We are asking our friends and family to pray with us for a miracle.

We want the doctors to be beside themselves with confusion as they watch the heart problem completely disappear.

We want to show the world--- through our precious little girl--- what our God can do.

Will you bend your knees and call out Julia's name before the Father with us?

We know He has ordained her life, just as He ordained Emily and Ethan's.

Thank you for your love.

Sacred

On Wednesday, Josh and I drove to UAB and met with Ethan's Cardiologist, Dr. McMahon, to discuss the details of Ethan's death.

The meeting was three hours long, and I cannot explain how difficult it was to hear exactly how our son died.

We are so, so broken.

Yet, the Presence of God was there in such a powerful way. I cannot explain it, either... not adequately.

Dr. McMahon told us he has been at UAB for 15 years, and does 400-500 cardiac caths each year...

and Ethan is only the second patient he has lost.

Are you serious, Lord??

The last hour of our son's life here on Earth is so incredibly sacred to us. We will hold it and ponder it in our hearts forever... just as we do his entire 12 weeks--- and the nine months I carried him in my womb.

For three hours, we sat with Dr. McMahon...

The same man who tried so desperately to save our son's life... the same man who, with tears streaming down his face, had to tell us Ethan was in Heaven... the same man who cradled Ethan in his arms as if he were his own son when he brought him to us...

and the same man who cries and grieves with us still.

He is part of a sacred story...

The story of our son.