A Special Anniversary

I have so many emotions going on right now, but I wanted to share a tidbit from Ethan's life, so I'm going to just copy and paste my facebook status from today:

"Hubby and I have been married for nine years today! :) Last year on this date, I was in the hospital having constant contractions with Ethan (again!!), and Dr. Nelson was preparing to do my c-section the next day (or in the middle of the night if my water broke), because she wasn't sure she could stop the contractions and needed to keep my uterus from rupturing. But she did stop them, so she scheduled his birthday for March 12th instead. It is a memory that brings tears to my eyes and a catch in my throat, because it is an incredibly precious part of Ethan's life and our family's story..."

We will always remember the wedding anniversary Ethan was in my belly and we thought we were going to meet him the next day!

Daddy, Sissy and I are missing you today, Sweet Boy... as always!

We love you and anxiously await Reunion Day!

Looking Up

Dear Ethan,

Last night we had an all-night prayer meeting at church... we met at 9:00pm and prayed and worshipped until 6:00am this morning.

Your Sissy tried hard to stay awake as long as she could, but alas, at 2:00am, her little body gave in to sweet dreams in her sleeping bag on the front pew... as Mr. Micah led us in worship with his guitar! :)

Earlier, though, she did something that melted my heart...

I was at the altar, and she was next to me.

Lying in her Disney Princess sleeping bag.

With her Barbie pillow.

And her little hands clasped tightly in prayer.

"Dear God, I wish you would..." I heard her say, in her little girl voice.

The rest was a whisper... just her and Her Saviour.

Precious.

Ethan, I know you talk to Him, too...

Only you do it face to face.

I know you are full of joy... of love... of wonder...

But, I miss you.

I'm praying God will tell you how very, very much I love you...

How I long for you...

How I am counting down the days until we are all together again.

One day, He will split the sky.

And I am looking up.

You Are Nine Months Old, Baby Boy!

Sweet Ethan,

We took "baby boy blue" balloons to your grave today.

They are bouncing around in the wind, reminding us you are not dead--- you are absolutely full of life!

And we went to the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting tonight... it is an annual event held to remember and honor children who have passed from this life to the next.

Our favorite part of the evening?

Your name was called out:

"Ethan Carter Lane"

And Daddy, Sissy and I walked up on stage...

Sissy was between Daddy and I, and we all held hands...

With our free hands, Daddy and I each lit the candles we held that represented you from a beautiful big candle... and then the three of us walked with the candles back to our seats.

The room soon filled with candles burning bright...

as so many precious children were honored... including Mrs. Kay's son, Mark... and Mrs. Wendy's sister, Staci.

Today you are nine months old, Baby Boy...

I can't believe it.

Most of all, I can't believe you aren't here with us.

One day, there will be no more candle lighting...

Because we will hold you again.

We wait with great expectation for that day!

We love you and we miss you--- beyond words, beyond measure.

Love,

Mama

Not Sure... Yet Sure

I am not sure how much longer I can hold it together this holiday season...

Please, Lord, be near me.

Ethan, words cannot express how much I love and miss you... but I pray you know.

My heart aches for Home... my true home--- because it is the one where you and our other babies and Grampy and Jesus live.

Someday soon, the Lord will split the sky...

and Daddy, Sissy and I will rise... and we will all be together for eternity!

So while I am not sure how much more Christmas I can take, I am sure about this:

On the day Jesus comes back for me, my heart will be made whole.