Thank You, God

I know I have been so quiet on here lately, particularly with explaining my deepest thoughts and feelings...

I have posted pictures with a line or two underneath them giving a glimpse of my heart, but I haven't been able to express in many words how I feel.

The truth is, a year has come and gone, and I long for my son as much as I always have.

And I don't know how to share the pain without just saying the same thing over and over again:

I miss him.

I miss him.

I miss him.

I do not believe time heals all wounds.

I believe there are some wounds that will only be healed when we meet Jesus face to face.

When Jesus hands me my son, this wound will be healed.

Until then, I cry out for Him to comfort me and help me through each day. There is no making it on my own--- it is simply not possible. There is no "thinking positive" and everything will be alright.

No. His mercies are new every morning--- and that's what it takes.

I know I am unable to breathe without the constant breath of my Heavenly Father... and even then, it is so painful.

I think, in this life, we like to depend on ourselves way too much. And I have come to find out more than ever what I always knew to be true--- we are not enough.

I may be mad at God at times--- furious, actually--- but I still know I need Him.

Being without Ethan is impossible to describe. The pain is unbearable.

Yet, somehow, by God's grace, I bear it.

And that in itself is a miracle.

Thank you, God, for never leaving me.

For waiting patiently in the background when I don't reach for you.

For breathing for me when I can't breathe for myself.

I love you.

Love,

Your Daughter

Longing For...

this hand to hold mine again.

And one day very soon, it will.



Ethan and Mama on April 30, 2010, when Ethan was seven weeks old.

Ethan Is A Big Brother To...

a little sister!

Julia Carter Lane (named after that sweet big brother of hers!) will be here in less than 20 weeks, and we know Ethan is smiling down on us!

I know I haven't mentioned Julia on here since the post where I announced we are expecting... I have been giving some updates on facebook instead... and to be honest, doing a lot of just being quiet with all my thoughts and feelings.

I hope to post some of her very adorable ultrasound pictures soon, but I thought I should at least share that she is a girl, since we found out almost six weeks ago! :)

Emily kisses my belly and blows raspberries on it constantly, just like she did with Ethan. She is an incredible big sister, and she longs for Julia to get here so she can get her hands on her!

One of the million heartbreaking things about being without Ethan has been, and is, watching Emily suffer. I know that just as Julia will not be a replacement for Ethan in our eyes (there is no such thing as a replacement, because he is irreplacable!), she won't be in Emily's eyes, either... but she will bring us all so much joy, like Ethan brought--- and continues to bring--- us all so much joy.

I look forward to that day when Julia is placed in my arms, and I turn and place her in Emily's.

She will know just what to do, thanks to that little brother of hers! :)

Missing You, Sweet Ethan

Missing you on my birthday, Baby Boy...

Two years ago on my birthday weekend, I found out you were in my belly... and it was then, instantly, that you were in my heart!

I love you with an everlasting, ever-present love.

And I miss you that much, too.