Beautiful.

I love these pictures of the girls from Easter last year.  We went to the beach that evening, in time to see the sunset.  It felt like Ethan was shining down on us... simply beautiful.

Gratitude

God has been peeling back layers in me for so long now...

God has been dealing with me for months (no, for the last two and a half years!) about being grateful for the time I had my son here with me.

I feel so cheated... 

and the truth is, we have been cheated.  Cheated out of many, many precious years with Ethan.

But satan is who has cheated us, not God.  Satan is who brought death into the world.  Death was never God's plan.

And in the end, we will not be cheated.  God has promised to restore all we have lost.  I don't know how He will do it, but He said He will, and so He will.

There is a song by David Crowder Band called Shadows that God has used to speak to my heart, to confront me with truth, to take my wounds and lay them out before Him.  There is one part in particular that I can't get away from.  It says:

So in times that are good, in times that are bad
For any time I've had it all I will be glad
And I will boast in the cross, I boast in His name
I will boast in the sunshine, boast in His reign (rain)
What's my life if it's not praising You
Another dollar in my bank account of vain pursuit, I do
Not count my life as any value or precious at all
Let me finish my race, let me answer Your call

So in times that are good, in times that are bad

For any time I've had it ALL I will be glad...

I had it all on the morning of June 4, 2010.

Then suddenly, it was ripped away from me.  

I was stripped of my son in one horrific moment.

I have always been thankful for the time we had with Ethan instead of bitter about how we have been cheated... but God is fleshing out some things in me that need to be fleshed out.

Does my gratitude match the Gift?  Ethan is a Gift.  An incredible, indescribable, amazing, perfect Gift.

I had it ALL for three precious months... I had all my (born) children in my arms, in my lap, in our home.

I hugged and kissed them whenever I wanted to, which was always, and I told them I loved them just as often.

I no longer have that privilege.

Julia has graced our lives with such beauty, yet I can't hold all of my children.  I can't kiss them all, tell them all I love them, watch them all grow up together.

There is always one missing.

Still, I choose gratitude.

"For any time I've had it ALL I will be glad..."