Our Precious Ethan Carter

Ethan Carter Lane was born on March 12, 2010, perfectly healthy except for a rare congenital heart defect (Supravalvular Aortic Stenosis and Supravalvular Pulmonic Stenosis) that has been passed down through the generations in my family. His sister, Emily (born November 22, 2004), has the same defect. She had two cardiac catheterizations with balloon angioplastys and open-heart surgery, all before the age of one. She is a happy, energetic little girl who has never been sickly (you would never even know she has a heart defect) and has an incredible future. Her little brother Ethan was expected to follow a similar course. He was a "normal baby"... he never looked or acted sick, never struggled, never let us know just how severe his heart defect really was. On June 4, 2010, at two months and three weeks of age, Ethan underwent his first procedure--- a cardiac catheterization with balloon angioplasty. Only they never started the actual procedure. When someone is put under general anesthesia, their blood pressure drops. When the doctors put our precious Ethan under, his heart could not handle the drop in blood pressure. He went into sudden, unexpected cardiac arrest, and teams of doctors tried everything they knew to save him. But, Jesus did the saving that day in His Own special way... and Ethan went to live forever in Heaven. This blog is simply one mother working through her grief and reconciling a Loving God with One Who allows us to suffer the loss of a child. It is also one mother wanting the world to know about her incredibly special son--- and the God Who loves him.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

A Tattered Piece of Paper

Tucked in my Bible are several things that are incredibly precious to me.  There is a picture of Ethan and one of him and Emily together, a special bookmark with Ethan's obituary, the booklet from my father's funeral, several pictures Emily colored for me when she was younger, a poem about pastors' wives read to me during Pastor Appreciation one year, a poem about a child going to Heaven...

And there is a tattered piece of paper with a printed prayer.  Many years ago, when my husband was ordained, this prayer by John Wesley was given to us by the Assemblies of God, along with these words:

"In the powerful words of John Wesley, I covet this prayer as a pattern for your own praying--- an unswerving and obedient surrender to His call upon your life!"

From time to time, I take this tattered piece of paper out of my Bible and read it to God with my whole heart:

 Lord Jesus, if you will receive me into your house, if you will but own me as your servant, I will not stand upon terms; impose upon me what conditions you please, write down your own articles, command me what you will, put me to anything you see as good; let me come under your roof, let me be your servant... make me what you will, Lord and set me where you will... I put myself wholly into your hands: put me to what you will, rank me with whom you will; put me to doing, put me to suffering, let me be employed for you, or laid aside for you, exalted for you, or trodden under foot for you; let me be full, let me be empty, let me have all things, let me have nothing, I freely and heartily resign all to your pleasure and disposal.
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Tuesday, February 4, 2014

He Is For Me

I remember telling my mother in the weeks after Ethan died that the pain was so great that my heart literally ached inside my chest.

It has been three and a half years since Ethan went to Heaven, and I can honestly say that is still true.

For a long time after June 4th, 2010, I struggled with feeling like God loved me.

After all, how could He? He let my son die.

My mind knew He loved me, but my heart struggled.  I'm not even sure I really recognized it at the time.

But then certain songs brought the struggle to the surface... such as "Oh, How He Loves Me".

I began to realize what I had been feeling... and I began to accept that He loves me.

Another song that has continued to flush that out in my life is "You Are For Me" by Kari Jobe:




So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me that...

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

You remind me

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are









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