Valentine's Day in Heaven

Dear Ethan,

Happy Valentine's Day, Sweet Boy!

How I wish you were here... but you are still Mama's Little Valentine!  Always will be.  I love you and miss you so much.

God continues to teach me so much about gratitude as I walk through this life without you by my side.  How I wish you walked next to me, tugging at my hand, always needing something...

It is amazing to think that you don't need anything from me... heartbreaking, yet at the same time, amazing.

The fact that all your needs are met... that you are perfectly happy and whole... it makes my heart smile, in spite of the constant ache.

How I long to tell you I love you face to face today...

How I wish I was receiving a sticky, handmade valentine sealed with a kiss from my one and only son.

Your sisters are beautiful... simply beautiful.

Their hearts shine... I know you know this already, and are so proud.

What is Valentine's Day like in Heaven?

I suspect it's not celebrated.

After all, you are surrounded by perfect love each and every day.  Valentine's Day has no place in Heaven.  It simply isn't needed.

Here on Earth, we need it.  We need a day to stop and take the time to show our love for each other just a little more purposefully and intentionally than we do most days.

But in Heaven?

You never forget to tell each other.  Jesus never forgets to tell you.

You are aware every moment of just how much you are loved.

You know to the full extent the love Jesus has for you, and the love Daddy and I and the rest of your family have for you... you know it perfectly.

Oh, how my heart rejoices at this!

Love,

Mama

"There he comes!"

We went home to Florida to see our families and some special friends a couple of weeks ago.  My mom and I talked about how much we love this quote while sitting at her kitchen table one day, and I wanted to share it.

"A ship sails and I stand watching until she fades on the horizon and someone by my side says, "She is gone". Gone where? Gone from my side, that is all; she is just as large as when I saw her. The diminished size and total loss of sight are in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'She is gone', there are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up the glad shout. "There she comes!" And that is dying." 

On June 4, 2010, my Daddy said, "There he comes!"

... and met his grandson for the first time.

My Heart

I know I never write on here anymore.  It's not my plan, in fact it's the opposite, but it's just what happens (or rather, what doesn't happen).

The reasons have nothing to do with Ethan... I love and miss him as much as I always have... even more if that is possible...

No, it's just that life gets in the way.  Life gets in the way of so many things.

But I can't complain when that life has included a beautiful, precious new baby and her incredible big sister... yes, life with a baby is busy.  Life with two children is even busier.  But it is such a beautiful busy.  And oh how I wish it was even crazier, with three children needing me constantly instead of two!

I have been sorting through our homeschool cabinet today, and it's amazing how tears have filled my eyes throughout the whole thing, and how those tears have just sat there, brimming... for hours.

I need them to fall, but I can't seem to let go.  There is a lump in my throat, and the only thing I can think to do is write.

I miss my son.  I miss him with everything in me.  Every fiber of my being.  I feel like I walk around with a heart that is permanently broken.  I know there is nothing anyone can do for me, not really... there is no mending this heart on this side of Heaven.

I'm being honest, because I don't think sugarcoating pain helps anyone.  It definitely doesn't help me, and neither does pretending.

But in the midst of the pain, God has graced us--- yes, graced us--- with unspeakable joy.  So while the pain is unspeakable, so is the joy.  It's like I said in an earlier post... it is possible for joy and sadness to run together...

I am in absolute awe of the little princess God has given us... Julia Carter has swooped into our lives and we are all putty in her hands!  She is an incredible, beautiful, sweet, fiesty, perfect and adorable, ball of energy!

Emily was an extremely easy baby (though we didn't know what that meant at the time, since she was our first), Ethan was a tad higher-maintenance than her (but not much!), and Julia gives us a run for our money! :)  But I simply cannot describe how sweet she is... it's amazing!

Yes, she has been such a balm to our hearts... mine, Josh's, Emily's... our extended family's... she is a Miracle Baby in every sense of the word.

The homeschool cabinet is hard because so many sweet "Ethan Memories" are wrapped up in the contents, like so, so many things in our home.  I started preschool with Emily right before I became pregnant with Ethan, and she actually prayed for a little brother or sister during one of our Bible lessons right around the time he was conceived!  The faith of a child...

The following year, Ethan witnessed her first weeks of Kindergarten, as I often held him in my arms (and many times nursed him) while we did school.

Just two weeks before his death, Emily learned to write their last name.

Just the day before his death, I read Junie B. Jones to her in the car on the way to Birmingham.

I look at her schoolwork from when Ethan was here, and the tears come.

I feel like I was so naive then.  There was an innocence there that no longer exists--- for me, for Josh, for Emily... for us all.

Daddy and I never imagined Emily and Ethan wouldn't grow up together, and neither did she.

Little Brothers are born, but they don't die...

I am a different person than I was before June 4, 2010.  I am not naive anymore.  I look in the mirror, and I feel like my face is old... like I can tell just from my appearance that I've lost a child, my precious Ethan...

No, I'm not the same person.  

But I'm a better person.  I know what matters in life, and what doesn't.  My heart aches for others, particularly for those who have lost a child, in a way I never knew was possible.  And I know God in a way that, to be honest, I never wanted to know him.  It's an intimacy that gives me my every breath.  My heart, though broken, is continuously being shaped by the Potter.  He promises to keep working with the clay.

Yes, I'm a better person... and God and my son have made me that way.

Ethan's First Birthday

No words tonight...

Just so much love.



(Click pause on the music player at the bottom of this page before clicking on the video.)

Beach Baby

(Ethan at the beach on April 17, 2010.)

My kids are Beach Babies--- they get it from their Grammy (my mom)!

When Ethan was five weeks old, Grammy and Pappy came to visit... and since the weather was beautiful, guess where we went?

The beach!

Well, okay, the beachy swimming area at the lake...

It's the closest thing we have to a beach here! :)

Ethan's pediatrician didn't want him out in public until he was six weeks old, but the lake was quiet that day, with only one or two other families, who were at a distance, so we felt comfortable bringing him out.

I am so glad we did.

It was a good, good day.

Ethan slept through it, Sweet Newborn that he was...

But I still got to take my son to the beach... even if I did keep him completely sheltered from the sun to protect his little baby skin! :)

One of a million memories I am so incredibly grateful for.

Ethan and Grammy

Ethan at one week old with his Grammy (March 19, 2010)... no words necessary! :)