As a father and a husband, you spend so much of your time trying to convince your family it's going to be okay. But, how do you stand tall when you've been sucker-punched and you're just trying to catch your own breath?
This race that we're now running is not only long, but it's completely isolated. The most sympathetic people struggle to only imagine what it feels like to hold your dead son in your arms, as blood trickles from places it shouldn't. Yes, that's my nightmare! Though I would not trade the time we spent with Ethan after he was welcomed Home to Heaven, I can't shake the feel of his cold face against my lips. Morbid, I know... but, in a way, a treasure. It's what I have left.
You see, when I lost Ethan, I lost more than a son who held my heart--- I lost a big part of me. I became a man who wears two faces--- one that is so broken it yearns for death, the other a small, annoying nag that won't let me quit. I know Ethan doesn't need me now, for he has Jesus. Even though I need him. But his sister needs me, and for her I will carry on. I do not want her to have lost her brother and me at the same time.
I know most people do not understand this, but he was my miracle. I longed to see his day. I prayed for a son my entire life. His sister will never know this (and I would not trade her for the world--- she is my heart, my love for her knows no bounds--- I can't express my love for her, but they both represent a different part of me), but I wanted a boy first--- so he could protect his sissy.
When I lost Ethan, I lost more than my baby--- I lost my son, and I lost a big part of myself that has existed for as long as I can remember. Ethan was the epitome of all I had hoped for, my dreams, my fantasies, and my future... we were all waiting for the day of his arrival.
I loved him before he existed. Then, when he was born, he was all I hoped for and more. He was a dream come true to the 100th power. I was overcome by him. My past expectation and wonder met the most perfect embodiment of a son anyone could ask for. When my dreams met reality, and reality was beyond compare... I was complete. I was happy. For the first time, amidst all the heartache I have been through, it all came together in Ethan, his sister, and his mommy. I was, for the first time, completely whole. My family was complete--- all the pieces fit together.
I had my daughter, who I must confess, is truly my heart--- I love her so much. I had Ethan, the embodiment of all I hoped for, made perfect before me. I had their mom, in which I have pledged my life. This equaled wholeness.
Now I am incomplete.
I just want to tell him:
Son, Ethan, I needed you. I need you. You don't understand how much I need you. How I long to hold you, to kiss you. To tell you again how much I love you. The thought of never being able to tell you I love you rips out what's left of my shambled heart after your death. Life is a cruel joke... for while it feels like in just a minute I will be able to hold you, it never comes.
It's like something dangling right in front of me, and with all my might I lunge forward--- and fall right on my face, for you are just out of reach. You're such a real reality... yet, it feels utterly hopeless.
But I wait on, until we are reunited again.
Everyone acts like you will automatically at some point be mad at God. But, it's my heart that is decimated--- not my faith. I can be in torment and still love God more now than ever. I'm in torment, yet I love Emily and my wife more now than ever!
I want to know God deeper than I ever have. I want to see the face and rest in the arms of the One who holds my son.
When all is said and done, only One really knows my pain, and it's Jesus. As much as my wife and I are the only two humans that truly know our story best, I still do not understand fully what it was like--- and is like--- to be Ethan's mom.
So I will forever hold her hand as we run together, and I will thank God when He holds her hand when our track divides.
But, most importantly, we will both hold the hand of the Only One who is Faithful and True. Though we see but through a glass, cloudy--- one day we will see face to face and all will become clear. I long to see the God of Restoration... but, what I long for even more than that is to hear the words, "Well done Thou good and faithful servant"--- not "You made it by the skin of your teeth", but "Well done". With that, everything will be right. Down here, not everything turns out well. One of these days, every wrong will be righted. One of these days, everything will be made correct. Heaven will be right. Things will just be right.
