The Grace Of God

I feel like I am becoming silent on here...

sometimes there are long stretches between my posts, and so many times I can't muster any thoughts to share.

I guess I am afraid I am "wearing people out" with my grief.

I know for others it might seem like Ethan has been gone for a while...

But, to us, it doesn't feel that way.

And, honestly, it doesn't matter, anyway.

We are approaching nine months since he went to be with Jesus...

and it just doesn't matter.

Nine months or nineteen years...

he's still our son.

And it is impossible to describe the pain.

My husband and I talked last night about how we are experiencing the grace of God in a way we never, ever wanted to...

and it's so true.

I am breathing, I am functioning...

I am not accomplishing what I need to on any given day by any means... but I am alive.

And that, I promise you, is because of the grace of God.

He even gives me the ability to laugh...

and although many times I feel guilty about that, I am trying to recognize it for what it is:

One of God's ways of making me able to bear the unbearable pain of being without my son.

You see, He knows I can only handle so much without simply collapsing entirely under the strain... and so He gives me little reprieves...

I am able to laugh at jokes and to enjoy being with people...

though I often cry my eyes out as soon as I am alone.

The pain, after all, never goes away.

Sometimes it has to get shoved down, stuffed down...

but it is there.

I am so thankful for the many people who have prayed for us and kept our names before the Father.

We are living proof that He hears you!

Looking Up

Dear Ethan,

Last night we had an all-night prayer meeting at church... we met at 9:00pm and prayed and worshipped until 6:00am this morning.

Your Sissy tried hard to stay awake as long as she could, but alas, at 2:00am, her little body gave in to sweet dreams in her sleeping bag on the front pew... as Mr. Micah led us in worship with his guitar! :)

Earlier, though, she did something that melted my heart...

I was at the altar, and she was next to me.

Lying in her Disney Princess sleeping bag.

With her Barbie pillow.

And her little hands clasped tightly in prayer.

"Dear God, I wish you would..." I heard her say, in her little girl voice.

The rest was a whisper... just her and Her Saviour.

Precious.

Ethan, I know you talk to Him, too...

Only you do it face to face.

I know you are full of joy... of love... of wonder...

But, I miss you.

I'm praying God will tell you how very, very much I love you...

How I long for you...

How I am counting down the days until we are all together again.

One day, He will split the sky.

And I am looking up.

Constant Longing

Say a prayer for me today, if you will...

The longing for our son is constant...

and nothing fills the void.



(Ethan Carter at one week old--- March 19, 2010)

I can't wait to look into your beautiful eyes again, Ethan!

Your Sissy put lipstick on me and did my hair this morning... wish you could see it! :)

I love you, Sweet Boy.

Our Little Valentine

Dear Ethan,

You are our Little Valentine.

We love you and miss you more than we will ever be able to express.

You captured our hearts while you were still in my tummy... which is where you spent your very first Valentine's Day!

We remember it so clearly...

I was on strict bed rest with you (and had been since the first week of January), so Daddy made stuffed shells and we snuggled on the couch together, watching a movie he gave me called "No Greater Love". The other part of my gift was the precious Willow Tree figurine that sits on your dresser... we were awaiting your arrival with great anticipation!

Now we await our arrival in Heaven with great anticipation--- because then we will be with you forever!

Happy First Valentine's Day in Heaven, Sweet Boy... to think you are spending it with the One Who is Love...

Love,

Mama, Daddy and Sissy


Getting ready for you... your nursery on March 1, 2010. :)

Love, Sissy

I love you, Ethan!

It's snowing outside.

I wish my Little Brother was here to see it.

It's a blizzard outside!

I love you, Brother, and I miss you!

Mama and Daddy loves you, too!

Love,

Sissy

Ethan, Eight Months Ago Today...

I held you in my arms for the last time on this earth.

The pain is unbearable... yet we bear it because we know you are being cared for perfectly by Jesus Christ Himself, and that we will get to spend Eternity with you.

Daddy, Sissy and I love and miss you more than words could ever, ever, ever say...

We can't wait to be with you again, Sweet Boy.

Love,

Mama