Our Precious Ethan Carter

Ethan Carter Lane was born on March 12, 2010, perfectly healthy except for a rare congenital heart defect (Supravalvular Aortic Stenosis and Supravalvular Pulmonic Stenosis) that has been passed down through the generations in my family. His sister, Emily (born November 22, 2004), has the same defect. She had two cardiac catheterizations with balloon angioplastys and open-heart surgery, all before the age of one. She is a happy, energetic little girl who has never been sickly (you would never even know she has a heart defect) and has an incredible future. Her little brother Ethan was expected to follow a similar course. He was a "normal baby"... he never looked or acted sick, never struggled, never let us know just how severe his heart defect really was. On June 4, 2010, at two months and three weeks of age, Ethan underwent his first procedure--- a cardiac catheterization with balloon angioplasty. Only they never started the actual procedure. When someone is put under general anesthesia, their blood pressure drops. When the doctors put our precious Ethan under, his heart could not handle the drop in blood pressure. He went into sudden, unexpected cardiac arrest, and teams of doctors tried everything they knew to save him. But, Jesus did the saving that day in His Own special way... and Ethan went to live forever in Heaven. This blog is simply one mother working through her grief and reconciling a Loving God with One Who allows us to suffer the loss of a child. It is also one mother wanting the world to know about her incredibly special son--- and the God Who loves him.

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Grace Of God

I feel like I am becoming silent on here...

sometimes there are long stretches between my posts, and so many times I can't muster any thoughts to share.

I guess I am afraid I am "wearing people out" with my grief.

I know for others it might seem like Ethan has been gone for a while...

But, to us, it doesn't feel that way.

And, honestly, it doesn't matter, anyway.

We are approaching nine months since he went to be with Jesus...

and it just doesn't matter.

Nine months or nineteen years...

he's still our son.

And it is impossible to describe the pain.

My husband and I talked last night about how we are experiencing the grace of God in a way we never, ever wanted to...

and it's so true.

I am breathing, I am functioning...

I am not accomplishing what I need to on any given day by any means... but I am alive.

And that, I promise you, is because of the grace of God.

He even gives me the ability to laugh...

and although many times I feel guilty about that, I am trying to recognize it for what it is:

One of God's ways of making me able to bear the unbearable pain of being without my son.

You see, He knows I can only handle so much without simply collapsing entirely under the strain... and so He gives me little reprieves...

I am able to laugh at jokes and to enjoy being with people...

though I often cry my eyes out as soon as I am alone.

The pain, after all, never goes away.

Sometimes it has to get shoved down, stuffed down...

but it is there.

I am so thankful for the many people who have prayed for us and kept our names before the Father.

We are living proof that He hears you!
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3 comments:

  1. Lori LeDucFebruary 27, 2011 at 5:39 PM

    Bryanne,
    Your words are often so lovely in a way of giving a glimpse of your pain and showing your strength through it. I read every post, not only out of my concern for you, but to be amazed that you are able to wake up and live out your day, let alone write about it. I know God's Grace, and I know He is giving you your alloted amount and will do so until you are with Ethan again. I often think about little Emily and how one day she will know how strong her mamma is. I was not born until after my mom lost her 6 wk old daughter, Lisa. And the older I got, I look back and think, "how in the world did she raise me?" How did she just not curl up in a ball and quit? But I know it is bc she let God carry her and continue healing her each day. I know that after all these years, after 4 children and 9 grandchildren, if you ask my mom what the first thing she wants to do in heaven, she will say "to hold Lisa in my arms and rock her". I can't wait for her to do that, and I can't wait for you to hold Ethan again~

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  2. BryanneFebruary 28, 2011 at 3:34 PM

    Lori,
    Thank you for your words... they brought tears to my eyes. Your mom is a strong woman indeed... and I know you are right about her making it because she let God carry her! I know that is the only reason I am making it. Such a big part of me would like to curl up in a ball and quit, like you talked about. This is where Emily is my saving grace, too! She is too precious (and precious to me) for me to do that. I long for the day when they are both in my arms again. I would love to know more about Lisa, if you or your mom ever want to share. And I am glad we are cousins. :)

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  3. BryanneFebruary 28, 2011 at 3:38 PM

    Both= Emily and Ethan :)

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