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Sissy and Ethan "watching TV" together on March 30, 2010.



Missing both my babies tonight. One is with her grandparents in Ohio for a wedding, and the other is in Heaven.

One will come home to me...

and the other I will go Home to one day.

I long for the day when we will all be there together: Sissy, Ethan, Julia, Sammy, Asher, MacKenzie, Daddy, and me.

Forever.

Beauty... And Sorrow

I was put on bed rest and Procardia on September 30th (at almost 30 weeks) for pre-term labor (cramping/contracting and dilating to 1 cm), and it brings back so many memories of my bed rest with Ethan, which started at 26 1/2 weeks. Not that the memories aren't always there, anyway... because they are. And I am grateful for them.

But I am 31 1/2 weeks pregnant today, and as sweet Julia's birth approaches (she will be delivered via c-section somewhere between 37-39 weeks) and we give God praise for what He is doing, I have so many thoughts and emotions tumbling around inside me, constantly.

My heart feels so bruised lately. The ache that is always there almost feels even a little more raw than it normally does. It is impossible to explain, because it always hurts this bad--- always. So it's hard to explain how the pain is somehow more tender...

My best guess is that my emotions are building as we prepare to meet Julia and hold her in our arms. Sometimes I wonder if I will weep at the sight of her, because I will be so incredibly grateful for her and yet so... sad.

When Ethan was born, there was never thought of an "after"... there was only a beginning to our child's life, not an "end".

Likewise, we had experienced Emily's birth with nothing but joy, and though we were terrified each time she had surgery, there were always nothing but happy endings.

But then Ethan met Jesus face to face. And now we have seen both sides of our child's life. We have seen our child be born, and we have seen our child die.

This changes everything.

Because in the moment of Julia's birth... in the beauty of that moment... will also be sorrow.

Her brother is not here, and he should be--- and he is irreplacable.

I'm struggling to express some of the things my heart is grappling with...

Yet with all of the pain, there is so much joy, too.

Because in less than 6-8 weeks, Julia will be placed in my arms.

But before she is placed in my arms, we will look into each other's eyes.

And that's when the beauty of that moment will overshadow the pain.

I will feel Ethan smiling down on us, feel his love for us... and I will picture him saying,

"See, Mama?

He makes all things new."

16 Months Later

Ethan and Daddy, just hours before Ethan went to live with Jesus...




It's been a hard day.

October 4th marked 16 months since Ethan left our arms for the arms of Jesus.

16 months... how can it even be possible?

It still feels like yesterday, and I can still feel him in my arms.

16 months later, and I still wonder every day if it is indeed possible to die from a broken heart.

I still wonder how I function every day, do what I need to do, mother Emily and take care of Baby Julia in my belly...

And I know it all goes back to God's grace.

What does God's grace mean to me now?

It means strength to do the impossible--- to breathe when your child no longer breathes on this earth.

16 months have passed, but as I've said before when it comes to time, it doesn't really mean anything.

16 months later, and the love is still the same.

16 months later, and I long for him as much as I ever have.

16 months later, and he is still my sweet baby boy.

16 months later, and still my heart's cry is...

I miss him.