Beach Baby

(Ethan at the beach on April 17, 2010.)

My kids are Beach Babies--- they get it from their Grammy (my mom)!

When Ethan was five weeks old, Grammy and Pappy came to visit... and since the weather was beautiful, guess where we went?

The beach!

Well, okay, the beachy swimming area at the lake...

It's the closest thing we have to a beach here! :)

Ethan's pediatrician didn't want him out in public until he was six weeks old, but the lake was quiet that day, with only one or two other families, who were at a distance, so we felt comfortable bringing him out.

I am so glad we did.

It was a good, good day.

Ethan slept through it, Sweet Newborn that he was...

But I still got to take my son to the beach... even if I did keep him completely sheltered from the sun to protect his little baby skin! :)

One of a million memories I am so incredibly grateful for.

Happy Birthday, Grampy and Jackson!

Today is my daddy's birthday... his third one with Jesus and his first one with his grandson.

My daddy went Home to be with Jesus on June 7, 2008... it was completely unexpected and a horrible shock--- and the worst pain I had ever known. On June 7, 2010, I buried my son... it was completely unexpected and a horrible shock--- and the worst pain I have ever known.

There is no sugarcoating it. The truth is, my daddy and my son were suddenly and horrifically ripped away from me.

But I also have to remember some other truths... and they are not an option. They are how I breathe...

My daddy and my son are together.

And they spend their days with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

You see, the day they each met Jesus brought (and brings) me unspeakable pain... but it brought (and brings) them unspeakable happiness.

And One day, I too, will be called Home.

I will see Jesus face to face.

And then, I will see them face to face.

Ever since my daddy has gone to Heaven, every year on his birthday, Josh, Emily and I go out to eat and have cake. We sing Happy Birthday to Grampy in Heaven, and we honor him and his life.

Last year on this day, my precious nephew Jackson was born. His mama, Amanda, is like a sister to me. How I love it that Jackson shares his Uncle Mac's birthday. (We are all certain my daddy would have called him "Mackson", by the way!)

Here is Emily tonight, doing an encore of the songs she sang at our special lunch today.

Daddy--- I love and miss you!! Kiss my son for me.

Jackson--- Wear John Deere proudly and every chance you get!

Triggers

So, I tried to be "normal" today, like I do every day, even though there is nothing normal about my life anymore...

I went about the day doing what I needed to do...

as if my son isn't dead (on this earth).

I did some things in the morning, then went to Subway with Emily and Josh for lunch, then to a doctor's appointment... then Emily and I took a detour to the cemetery before going to Walmart.

(Okay, so obviously the cemetery wouldn't have been on the agenda if Ethan hadn't died... but, you know what I mean...)

My point is I was functioning.

I was doing what I needed to do.

I ran into someone I know at Walmart and we talked about Ethan's death, but I held it together... to be honest, talking about Ethan is a need I have... he is my son. And I love hearing his name and knowing he isn't forgotten.

Anyway, I was making it through the day so well...

And then I got home and checked our mail.

There was a catalog from a birthday party supply company.

Highlighting all the different themes for your child's first birthday.

I'm sure the company bought a mailing list that had us on it because Ethan's first birthday is coming up... and when I was pregnant we signed up for all those diaper coupons and baby magazines that have you list the baby's due date.

But, Ethan won't be here for his first birthday... or any birthday.

I'm not making it through the day so well anymore.

"Triggers", they call them--- those things that throw you into your grief when you thought you were doing okay for a moment.

They are unexpected, and they are everywhere.

And, honestly?

It doesn't take a trigger...

my heart always knows my son isn't here.

Jesus, be near me now...

Remind me of the life my son is living right now.

Through Emily's Eyes

Emily called me into her room tonight, excited to show me something.

It was our beautiful children, through the eyes of their Sissy.

(Scroll down to the bottom of this blog page to pause the Playlist music before watching the video.)

Check out Pregnancy and Baby: Common myths about losing a child

I think this is a wonderful article, whether you have lost a child yourself or want to understand someone who has.

Pregnancy and Baby: Common myths about losing a child

Another Mother Speaks My Heart

Would you read a post from one of the mamas I found after Ethan went to Heaven?

You can find it at: www.babygirlbutcher.blogspot.com

The writing of Annabelle's Mama often brings tears to my eyes, and many times, I think, "That's me! That's me!" as I am reading.

I just read her post from yesterday entitled "Just a Week Away", and I can identify with it so much. Although no two situations are exactly the same, and there are differences in our stories, she is speaking my heart.

I'm not sure Josh and I are out of the shock phase yet...

but, oh, her words pierce me.

When she talks about not knowing how to celebrate her precious Annabelle's birthday... Ethan's First Birthday is fast approaching, and like a freight train.

And her words pierce me when she says, "The reality of it is that my daughter died and I want to feel the void that she leaves in my heart."

My son died, and I want to feel the void that he leaves in my heart.

Rebecca, how grateful I am that we have been given Eternity with them.

And I'm looking forward to Ethan introducing me to your Annabelle one day.

New Year, Same Love

Ethan Comes Home from the Hospital... March 18, 2010