Triggers

So, I tried to be "normal" today, like I do every day, even though there is nothing normal about my life anymore...

I went about the day doing what I needed to do...

as if my son isn't dead (on this earth).

I did some things in the morning, then went to Subway with Emily and Josh for lunch, then to a doctor's appointment... then Emily and I took a detour to the cemetery before going to Walmart.

(Okay, so obviously the cemetery wouldn't have been on the agenda if Ethan hadn't died... but, you know what I mean...)

My point is I was functioning.

I was doing what I needed to do.

I ran into someone I know at Walmart and we talked about Ethan's death, but I held it together... to be honest, talking about Ethan is a need I have... he is my son. And I love hearing his name and knowing he isn't forgotten.

Anyway, I was making it through the day so well...

And then I got home and checked our mail.

There was a catalog from a birthday party supply company.

Highlighting all the different themes for your child's first birthday.

I'm sure the company bought a mailing list that had us on it because Ethan's first birthday is coming up... and when I was pregnant we signed up for all those diaper coupons and baby magazines that have you list the baby's due date.

But, Ethan won't be here for his first birthday... or any birthday.

I'm not making it through the day so well anymore.

"Triggers", they call them--- those things that throw you into your grief when you thought you were doing okay for a moment.

They are unexpected, and they are everywhere.

And, honestly?

It doesn't take a trigger...

my heart always knows my son isn't here.

Jesus, be near me now...

Remind me of the life my son is living right now.