Silent

It has been two weeks since my last post...

Between the hustle and bustle of the season and the emotional roller coaster it brought, I have been silent.

We spent Christmas in Florida with our families, and I did not bring my laptop or use any computer at all while we were there...

Maybe I needed the silence.

Sometimes it feels pointless to try to write anything, because nothing explains things adequately.

But, then I am reminded how much I want the world to know my baby boy...

How I long to share how amazing he is and how I love to talk about him.

How I feel like this is a simple way to honor him.

I am grateful for family and friends that remembered and honored him this Christmas season, and I can't wait to share some special things that were done for him and us.

I hope your Christmas was also filled with love, and that you were keenly aware of the Baby who came and changed everything.

:)

A Christmas Poem

It's impossible for me to wipe away the tears, but I still find this poem very special. Thank you to my GriefShare leader, Ellen, who gave it to me.

My First Christmas in Heaven
Author Unknown


I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

You Are Nine Months Old, Baby Boy!

Sweet Ethan,

We took "baby boy blue" balloons to your grave today.

They are bouncing around in the wind, reminding us you are not dead--- you are absolutely full of life!

And we went to the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting tonight... it is an annual event held to remember and honor children who have passed from this life to the next.

Our favorite part of the evening?

Your name was called out:

"Ethan Carter Lane"

And Daddy, Sissy and I walked up on stage...

Sissy was between Daddy and I, and we all held hands...

With our free hands, Daddy and I each lit the candles we held that represented you from a beautiful big candle... and then the three of us walked with the candles back to our seats.

The room soon filled with candles burning bright...

as so many precious children were honored... including Mrs. Kay's son, Mark... and Mrs. Wendy's sister, Staci.

Today you are nine months old, Baby Boy...

I can't believe it.

Most of all, I can't believe you aren't here with us.

One day, there will be no more candle lighting...

Because we will hold you again.

We wait with great expectation for that day!

We love you and we miss you--- beyond words, beyond measure.

Love,

Mama

Not Sure... Yet Sure

I am not sure how much longer I can hold it together this holiday season...

Please, Lord, be near me.

Ethan, words cannot express how much I love and miss you... but I pray you know.

My heart aches for Home... my true home--- because it is the one where you and our other babies and Grampy and Jesus live.

Someday soon, the Lord will split the sky...

and Daddy, Sissy and I will rise... and we will all be together for eternity!

So while I am not sure how much more Christmas I can take, I am sure about this:

On the day Jesus comes back for me, my heart will be made whole.

"Mama Love Ethan!"

"Mama love Ethan!"

Oh, how I remember saying that in a sing-song voice to you, my Sweet Boy...

it was one of the ways I told you "I love you"--- a special, grammatically-incorrect way. :)

How I long to be able to say those words to you again...

To look into your big, beautiful eyes and tell you with mine just how precious you are to me...

I know you know love like I never have as you sit at the feet of the One Who is Love.

Still, I long to express mine to you...

Because I am your Mama.

Your First Snow

Sweet Ethan,

You are missing your First Snow...

I know Heaven is so much better, but I can't help it--- I am heartbroken.

You should be here, with us and your Sissy...

She should be telling you all about snow like she just told me!

She is at the office with your Daddy. I noticed little snowflakes coming down on our back patio, and called Daddy right away to have him take her outside. She got on the phone and proceeded to tell me how snow is made out of ice and water. :)

It is just starting to come down... little, tiny flakes and none on the ground yet.

Sissy's First Snow was in January of 2009, when she was four years old!

And here your first one is, when you are only a few days shy of nine months old... but not here to enjoy it.

Snow is so magical that I wonder if there is any in Heaven... without the bitter cold, of course!

I wonder about so many things in Heaven.

Most of all, I wonder what you are doing.

As your Mama, it's not good enough to just know you are happy and safe... I want details!!

I guess it has to be good enough, though, because I don't get to know the details until I meet you there.

If there is snow in Heaven, I want you to make a big snowball and throw it at Grampy!

Tell him his daughter misses him and can't wait to be with you both!

And if there isn't snow in Heaven...

it means it is nothing compared to the glory you live in.

I love you, Sweet Boy--- and miss you every single moment.

Love,

Mama

Let Grief...

"Let grief do its work. Tramp every inch of the sorrowful way. Drink every drop of the bitter cup."

--- Billy Graham, Facing Death and the Life Thereafter

To My Son

Dear Ethan,

We took some Christmas decorations out to the cemetery yesterday.

We know you will spend Christmas with Jesus, but we wanted to bring them to your marker, anyway...

because you are our son.

And we miss you so much.

How amazing it must feel to look into the eyes of the One Who came on that first Christmas Day...

To have Him hold you...

I know you are happy, Sweet Boy.

It is how I can still breathe... that and knowing I will be with you again one day.

This Christmas season has already been so hard... and we still have weeks to go before Christmas Day.

I love you, Sweet Boy.

Enjoy the arms of Jesus, Baby.

Love,

Mama

Six Months Later...

How are we doing six months after holding our precious Ethan for the last time?

Still taking it one day (or hour or second!) at a time.

There are many things I have learned over the last six months. Things I thought to be true, and now know are true.

One of them is that time DOES NOT heal all wounds.

Honestly, I hate the phrase that says it does.

If you have lost a child, you probably hate it, too.

And if you haven't, please try to understand... or at least trust that I know what I'm talking about.

Time DOES NOT heal the wound of burying your child...

of not being able to cuddle him, kiss him, tell him "I love you" or watch him grow...

of watching his Sissy alone when she should have him with her...

of waking up every morning without him, and trying to sleep knowing he won't be there the next morning, either...

Time does not heal the countless, countless, countless wounds of living without him.

Pure and simple.

Josh, Emily and I will always grieve as those who have hope... but, we will always grieve.

I feel like some of the people who love us are waiting for us to "get back to normal"... to "return to our old selves"...

Because they love us.

But, it is never going to happen.

You don't bury your child and remain the same.

My husband and I became different people on June 4, 2010.

Better people, I believe.

Ethan changed us for the better when he was alive... continues to change us for the better now... and will change us for the better forever.

My husband and I love each other more fiercely.

We know what is important in life... and what isn't.

We know the hand of God like we never have before.

We depend on Him for every breath... because there is no breathing otherwise.

There is no doing our relationship with God "halfway". We cannot survive on mediocrity. We need all of Him.

We are better parents. We know that just because we hold Emily in our arms today doesn't mean we will get to hold her in our arms tomorrow.

We know unimaginable sorrow so profoundly... and know God will use that sorrow for His Kingdom and for the good of others.

Our Ethan's life has already had an eternal impact--- and it's only been six months.

No, we will never be the same.

Our Ethan is too special for that.

Thank you, Lord.

And thank you to those who love us... for doing so.

There Is A Boy

there is a boy

who has captured our hearts

and holds them in Heaven

until we hold him again


we call him Son

(Picture taken May 24, 2010)

Missing you, tonight, Sweet Ethan... as always.

I love you.

Another Day...

without our son.

We live in an agony I will never be able to describe.

But, I added a new song to the blog this morning, because we are beyond grateful that There Will Be A Day...


Ethan on June 3, 2010... the evening before he met Jesus face to face