Our Precious Ethan Carter

Ethan Carter Lane was born on March 12, 2010, perfectly healthy except for a rare congenital heart defect (Supravalvular Aortic Stenosis and Supravalvular Pulmonic Stenosis) that has been passed down through the generations in my family. His sister, Emily (born November 22, 2004), has the same defect. She had two cardiac catheterizations with balloon angioplastys and open-heart surgery, all before the age of one. She is a happy, energetic little girl who has never been sickly (you would never even know she has a heart defect) and has an incredible future. Her little brother Ethan was expected to follow a similar course. He was a "normal baby"... he never looked or acted sick, never struggled, never let us know just how severe his heart defect really was. On June 4, 2010, at two months and three weeks of age, Ethan underwent his first procedure--- a cardiac catheterization with balloon angioplasty. Only they never started the actual procedure. When someone is put under general anesthesia, their blood pressure drops. When the doctors put our precious Ethan under, his heart could not handle the drop in blood pressure. He went into sudden, unexpected cardiac arrest, and teams of doctors tried everything they knew to save him. But, Jesus did the saving that day in His Own special way... and Ethan went to live forever in Heaven. This blog is simply one mother working through her grief and reconciling a Loving God with One Who allows us to suffer the loss of a child. It is also one mother wanting the world to know about her incredibly special son--- and the God Who loves him.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Silence Is Scary

Josh and Emily are at the store, and the house is quiet.

I'm tempted to turn on the TV just for the noise, but I know I need to learn how to be at peace with the silence.

Since Ethan's been gone, I've been afraid of it.

I always have noise on in the background (or my daughter here, full of life!), and I mean always.

If I am ready for bed before Josh, I have the TV on or am on the laptop until he comes into the room, and I dare not even attempt to lay my head on the pillow and go to sleep without him.

Frankly, silence gives me too much time to think... and I think enough even with all the constant noise around me.

Silence means my eyes well up with tears immediately (like they are doing now) as I miss my baby boy and can feel him in my arms... hear his little voice cooing... taste his little baby slobber...

My heart aches with the pain of being without him... a physical ache I've never known before and can't even begin to describe.

Silence is scary...

And yet, I need to be silent in order to hear God's voice more easily.

He loves the silence.

For one thing, He loves when we are vulnerable... when we admit we don't have it all in the bag... that this life is scary and painful and... unfair.

I think He wearies of us acting like we always have everything all under control.

Like we don't need Him.

When that's just not true at all.

Thanks for listening to this mama's heart.
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