Saturday, January 19, 2013
Beautiful.
I love these pictures of the girls from Easter last year. We went to the beach that evening, in time to see the sunset. It felt like Ethan was shining down on us... simply beautiful.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Gratitude
God has been peeling back layers in me for so long now...
God has been dealing with me for months (no, for the last two and a half years!) about being grateful for the time I had my son here with me.
I feel so cheated...
and the truth is, we have been cheated. Cheated out of many, many precious years with Ethan.
But satan is who has cheated us, not God. Satan is who brought death into the world. Death was never God's plan.
And in the end, we will not be cheated. God has promised to restore all we have lost. I don't know how He will do it, but He said He will, and so He will.
There is a song by David Crowder Band called Shadows that God has used to speak to my heart, to confront me with truth, to take my wounds and lay them out before Him. There is one part in particular that I can't get away from. It says:
So in times that are good, in times that are bad
For any time I've had it all I will be glad
And I will boast in the cross, I boast in His name
I will boast in the sunshine, boast in His reign (rain)
What's my life if it's not praising You
Another dollar in my bank account of vain pursuit, I do
Not count my life as any value or precious at all
Let me finish my race, let me answer Your call
For any time I've had it all I will be glad
And I will boast in the cross, I boast in His name
I will boast in the sunshine, boast in His reign (rain)
What's my life if it's not praising You
Another dollar in my bank account of vain pursuit, I do
Not count my life as any value or precious at all
Let me finish my race, let me answer Your call
So in times that are good, in times that are bad
For any time I've had it ALL I will be glad...
I had it all on the morning of June 4, 2010.
Then suddenly, it was ripped away from me.
I was stripped of my son in one horrific moment.
I have always been thankful for the time we had with Ethan instead of bitter about how we have been cheated... but God is fleshing out some things in me that need to be fleshed out.
Does my gratitude match the Gift? Ethan is a Gift. An incredible, indescribable, amazing, perfect Gift.
I had it ALL for three precious months... I had all my (born) children in my arms, in my lap, in our home.
I hugged and kissed them whenever I wanted to, which was always, and I told them I loved them just as often.
I no longer have that privilege.
Julia has graced our lives with such beauty, yet I can't hold all of my children. I can't kiss them all, tell them all I love them, watch them all grow up together.
There is always one missing.
Still, I choose gratitude.
"For any time I've had it ALL I will be glad..."
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
To Ethan from His Sissies Emily and Julia
Dear Ethan,
I love you and I miss you and I want you here with me. I wish you could see Julia. Julia says, "I love you and I want to see you. I wish I could meet you." Julia says that she wants to squeeze you... kiss your kissable cheeks! And I want to squeeze you, too! And kiss your kissable cheeks! Me and Julia wishes that we could squeeze you and kiss all over your cheeks--- Julia get one side and I get the other! I miss you so much that I just want to lay down with you and take a nap!
Love, Sissy
and
Love, Julia Sissy
And Julia says, "Waaa!"
One more thing, I'm making crafts with black-eyed peas!
And Julia eats Cheerios and Peach Puffs now!
And she is walking!! And standing up by herself and sitting up by herself and saying "Mama" and "baby"!
Ethan and Emily the night before Ethan met Jesus face to face.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I Feel You
Dear Ethan,
I feel you...
in every sunset,
every rainbow,
every rain.
In your sisters' laugh,
in their love,
when I speak your name.
In my dreams:
when I'm asleep,
when I'm awake.
I feel you...
with every breath I take.
Ethan Carter, the evening before he met Jesus face to face.
Monday, September 24, 2012
"There he comes!"
We went home to Florida to see our families and some special friends a couple of weeks ago. My mom and I talked about how much we love this quote while sitting at her kitchen table one day, and I wanted to share it.
"A ship sails and I stand watching until she fades on the horizon and someone by my side says, "She is gone". Gone where? Gone from my side, that is all; she is just as large as when I saw her. The diminished size and total loss of sight are in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'She is gone', there are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up the glad shout. "There she comes!" And that is dying."
On June 4, 2010, my Daddy said, "There he comes!"
... and met his grandson for the first time.
"A ship sails and I stand watching until she fades on the horizon and someone by my side says, "She is gone". Gone where? Gone from my side, that is all; she is just as large as when I saw her. The diminished size and total loss of sight are in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'She is gone', there are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up the glad shout. "There she comes!" And that is dying."
On June 4, 2010, my Daddy said, "There he comes!"
... and met his grandson for the first time.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
My Heart
I know I never write on here anymore. It's not my plan, in fact it's the opposite, but it's just what happens (or rather, what doesn't happen).
The reasons have nothing to do with Ethan... I love and miss him as much as I always have... even more if that is possible...
No, it's just that life gets in the way. Life gets in the way of so many things.
But I can't complain when that life has included a beautiful, precious new baby and her incredible big sister... yes, life with a baby is busy. Life with two children is even busier. But it is such a beautiful busy. And oh how I wish it was even crazier, with three children needing me constantly instead of two!
I have been sorting through our homeschool cabinet today, and it's amazing how tears have filled my eyes throughout the whole thing, and how those tears have just sat there, brimming... for hours.
I need them to fall, but I can't seem to let go. There is a lump in my throat, and the only thing I can think to do is write.
I miss my son. I miss him with everything in me. Every fiber of my being. I feel like I walk around with a heart that is permanently broken. I know there is nothing anyone can do for me, not really... there is no mending this heart on this side of Heaven.
I'm being honest, because I don't think sugarcoating pain helps anyone. It definitely doesn't help me, and neither does pretending.
But in the midst of the pain, God has graced us--- yes, graced us--- with unspeakable joy. So while the pain is unspeakable, so is the joy. It's like I said in an earlier post... it is possible for joy and sadness to run together...
I am in absolute awe of the little princess God has given us... Julia Carter has swooped into our lives and we are all putty in her hands! She is an incredible, beautiful, sweet, fiesty, perfect and adorable, ball of energy!
Emily was an extremely easy baby (though we didn't know what that meant at the time, since she was our first), Ethan was a tad higher-maintenance than her (but not much!), and Julia gives us a run for our money! :) But I simply cannot describe how sweet she is... it's amazing!
Yes, she has been such a balm to our hearts... mine, Josh's, Emily's... our extended family's... she is a Miracle Baby in every sense of the word.
The homeschool cabinet is hard because so many sweet "Ethan Memories" are wrapped up in the contents, like so, so many things in our home. I started preschool with Emily right before I became pregnant with Ethan, and she actually prayed for a little brother or sister during one of our Bible lessons right around the time he was conceived! The faith of a child...
The following year, Ethan witnessed her first weeks of Kindergarten, as I often held him in my arms (and many times nursed him) while we did school.
Just two weeks before his death, Emily learned to write their last name.
Just the day before his death, I read Junie B. Jones to her in the car on the way to Birmingham.
I look at her schoolwork from when Ethan was here, and the tears come.
I feel like I was so naive then. There was an innocence there that no longer exists--- for me, for Josh, for Emily... for us all.
Daddy and I never imagined Emily and Ethan wouldn't grow up together, and neither did she.
Little Brothers are born, but they don't die...
I am a different person than I was before June 4, 2010. I am not naive anymore. I look in the mirror, and I feel like my face is old... like I can tell just from my appearance that I've lost a child, my precious Ethan...
No, I'm not the same person.
But I'm a better person. I know what matters in life, and what doesn't. My heart aches for others, particularly for those who have lost a child, in a way I never knew was possible. And I know God in a way that, to be honest, I never wanted to know him. It's an intimacy that gives me my every breath. My heart, though broken, is continuously being shaped by the Potter. He promises to keep working with the clay.
Yes, I'm a better person... and God and my son have made me that way.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Announcing Julia Carter Lane
Well, this is almost five months late, but...
She's here!!!
She is beautiful beyond words, and our gratefulness to God for her life extends far beyond anything we could ever explain.
Julia Carter Lane was born at 4:14pm on Tuesday, November 29, 2011. She weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz. and was 18 3/4 inches long, with brown hair and captivating blue eyes. Her birth was VERY dramatic (another post for another day!), and we praise God for protecting both of us!
And guess what???
HE HEALED HER HEART!!!
We witnessed a supernatural miracle when they did her echo after birth and could not find ANY heart problem, despite her diagnosis while in my womb!
That's MY God!!!
One day soon I will have to share the details! For now, I just wanted to share that she is here, and leave you with a sweet picture... this is her in her "going home" outfit, which was from her Big Brother, Ethan Carter. At birth, she was almost the spitting image of her Big Sissy, Emily. But from the start she had facial expressions and mannerisms that reminded us of Ethan, and she quickly started looking like him, too. She is a beautiful combination of them both, with plenty of "just beautiful Julia!", too...
She's here!!!
She is beautiful beyond words, and our gratefulness to God for her life extends far beyond anything we could ever explain.
Julia Carter Lane was born at 4:14pm on Tuesday, November 29, 2011. She weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz. and was 18 3/4 inches long, with brown hair and captivating blue eyes. Her birth was VERY dramatic (another post for another day!), and we praise God for protecting both of us!
And guess what???
HE HEALED HER HEART!!!
We witnessed a supernatural miracle when they did her echo after birth and could not find ANY heart problem, despite her diagnosis while in my womb!
That's MY God!!!
One day soon I will have to share the details! For now, I just wanted to share that she is here, and leave you with a sweet picture... this is her in her "going home" outfit, which was from her Big Brother, Ethan Carter. At birth, she was almost the spitting image of her Big Sissy, Emily. But from the start she had facial expressions and mannerisms that reminded us of Ethan, and she quickly started looking like him, too. She is a beautiful combination of them both, with plenty of "just beautiful Julia!", too...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Home
Sissy and Ethan "watching TV" together on March 30, 2010.
Missing both my babies tonight. One is with her grandparents in Ohio for a wedding, and the other is in Heaven.
One will come home to me...
and the other I will go Home to one day.
I long for the day when we will all be there together: Sissy, Ethan, Julia, Sammy, Asher, MacKenzie, Daddy, and me.
Forever.
Missing both my babies tonight. One is with her grandparents in Ohio for a wedding, and the other is in Heaven.
One will come home to me...
and the other I will go Home to one day.
I long for the day when we will all be there together: Sissy, Ethan, Julia, Sammy, Asher, MacKenzie, Daddy, and me.
Forever.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Beauty... And Sorrow
I was put on bed rest and Procardia on September 30th (at almost 30 weeks) for pre-term labor (cramping/contracting and dilating to 1 cm), and it brings back so many memories of my bed rest with Ethan, which started at 26 1/2 weeks. Not that the memories aren't always there, anyway... because they are. And I am grateful for them.
But I am 31 1/2 weeks pregnant today, and as sweet Julia's birth approaches (she will be delivered via c-section somewhere between 37-39 weeks) and we give God praise for what He is doing, I have so many thoughts and emotions tumbling around inside me, constantly.
My heart feels so bruised lately. The ache that is always there almost feels even a little more raw than it normally does. It is impossible to explain, because it always hurts this bad--- always. So it's hard to explain how the pain is somehow more tender...
My best guess is that my emotions are building as we prepare to meet Julia and hold her in our arms. Sometimes I wonder if I will weep at the sight of her, because I will be so incredibly grateful for her and yet so... sad.
When Ethan was born, there was never thought of an "after"... there was only a beginning to our child's life, not an "end".
Likewise, we had experienced Emily's birth with nothing but joy, and though we were terrified each time she had surgery, there were always nothing but happy endings.
But then Ethan met Jesus face to face. And now we have seen both sides of our child's life. We have seen our child be born, and we have seen our child die.
This changes everything.
Because in the moment of Julia's birth... in the beauty of that moment... will also be sorrow.
Her brother is not here, and he should be--- and he is irreplacable.
I'm struggling to express some of the things my heart is grappling with...
Yet with all of the pain, there is so much joy, too.
Because in less than 6-8 weeks, Julia will be placed in my arms.
But before she is placed in my arms, we will look into each other's eyes.
And that's when the beauty of that moment will overshadow the pain.
I will feel Ethan smiling down on us, feel his love for us... and I will picture him saying,
"See, Mama?
He makes all things new."
But I am 31 1/2 weeks pregnant today, and as sweet Julia's birth approaches (she will be delivered via c-section somewhere between 37-39 weeks) and we give God praise for what He is doing, I have so many thoughts and emotions tumbling around inside me, constantly.
My heart feels so bruised lately. The ache that is always there almost feels even a little more raw than it normally does. It is impossible to explain, because it always hurts this bad--- always. So it's hard to explain how the pain is somehow more tender...
My best guess is that my emotions are building as we prepare to meet Julia and hold her in our arms. Sometimes I wonder if I will weep at the sight of her, because I will be so incredibly grateful for her and yet so... sad.
When Ethan was born, there was never thought of an "after"... there was only a beginning to our child's life, not an "end".
Likewise, we had experienced Emily's birth with nothing but joy, and though we were terrified each time she had surgery, there were always nothing but happy endings.
But then Ethan met Jesus face to face. And now we have seen both sides of our child's life. We have seen our child be born, and we have seen our child die.
This changes everything.
Because in the moment of Julia's birth... in the beauty of that moment... will also be sorrow.
Her brother is not here, and he should be--- and he is irreplacable.
I'm struggling to express some of the things my heart is grappling with...
Yet with all of the pain, there is so much joy, too.
Because in less than 6-8 weeks, Julia will be placed in my arms.
But before she is placed in my arms, we will look into each other's eyes.
And that's when the beauty of that moment will overshadow the pain.
I will feel Ethan smiling down on us, feel his love for us... and I will picture him saying,
"See, Mama?
He makes all things new."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
16 Months Later
Ethan and Daddy, just hours before Ethan went to live with Jesus...
It's been a hard day.
October 4th marked 16 months since Ethan left our arms for the arms of Jesus.
16 months... how can it even be possible?
It still feels like yesterday, and I can still feel him in my arms.
16 months later, and I still wonder every day if it is indeed possible to die from a broken heart.
I still wonder how I function every day, do what I need to do, mother Emily and take care of Baby Julia in my belly...
And I know it all goes back to God's grace.
What does God's grace mean to me now?
It means strength to do the impossible--- to breathe when your child no longer breathes on this earth.
16 months have passed, but as I've said before when it comes to time, it doesn't really mean anything.
16 months later, and the love is still the same.
16 months later, and I long for him as much as I ever have.
16 months later, and he is still my sweet baby boy.
16 months later, and still my heart's cry is...
I miss him.
It's been a hard day.
October 4th marked 16 months since Ethan left our arms for the arms of Jesus.
16 months... how can it even be possible?
It still feels like yesterday, and I can still feel him in my arms.
16 months later, and I still wonder every day if it is indeed possible to die from a broken heart.
I still wonder how I function every day, do what I need to do, mother Emily and take care of Baby Julia in my belly...
And I know it all goes back to God's grace.
What does God's grace mean to me now?
It means strength to do the impossible--- to breathe when your child no longer breathes on this earth.
16 months have passed, but as I've said before when it comes to time, it doesn't really mean anything.
16 months later, and the love is still the same.
16 months later, and I long for him as much as I ever have.
16 months later, and he is still my sweet baby boy.
16 months later, and still my heart's cry is...
I miss him.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
A Miracle For Julia
I can't wait to share more about what God is doing, but we have been in the process of moving to a new church in another state and haven't had Internet access at our new house until a few days ago, so for now, I will just copy and paste a few of the facebook status updates I scribbled from my phone recently...
Saturday, September 10th:
Will be 27 weeks tomorrow... Hard to believe that at this time in my pregnancy with Ethan I had just been put on bed rest a few days ago. In so many ways it feels just like yesterday. Miss him every single moment and can't wait to meet his little sister.
Tuesday, September 13th:
We leave for UAB tonight. Baby Julia Carter's first appointment with the fetal clinic is early tomorrow morning. We covet your prayers so much and are expecting a miracle! She is scheduled for two fetal echoes tomorrow, and we want to be kicked out of the clinic because they can't find any heart problem!!! Our God is able and to Him be the glory, honor, and praise!!!
Saturday, September 17th:
Have been waiting for a chance to post lots of details on Ethan's blog about our appointments at UAB, but Internet is still not working at our new house, so here is a quick update: God is doing a miracle in our Julia!!! She still has the heart problem and will still be followed and delivered at UAB, but the doctors think she will NOT need emergency surgery, and that it is possible she may not ever have to have surgery!!! Praise God, we believe we are witnessing a MIRACLE!!! Thank you for all your prayers, and please keep praying! We want God to completely heal her and take away the heart problem entirely! We don't want surgery now or ever, Amen!!!
Sunday, September 18th:
Couldn't wait to give God the praise He is due this morning (and have been all week)... Looking forward to doing it again tonight! Thank you for all your love and prayers for Baby Julia Carter... We are so grateful for our family and friends! She will be making her debut in just 9-11 short weeks!! :)
WHAT AN INCREDIBLE WEEK! THANK YOU, LORD... WE GIVE YOU GLORY, HONOR, AND PRAISE!
Saturday, September 10th:
Will be 27 weeks tomorrow... Hard to believe that at this time in my pregnancy with Ethan I had just been put on bed rest a few days ago. In so many ways it feels just like yesterday. Miss him every single moment and can't wait to meet his little sister.
Tuesday, September 13th:
We leave for UAB tonight. Baby Julia Carter's first appointment with the fetal clinic is early tomorrow morning. We covet your prayers so much and are expecting a miracle! She is scheduled for two fetal echoes tomorrow, and we want to be kicked out of the clinic because they can't find any heart problem!!! Our God is able and to Him be the glory, honor, and praise!!!
Saturday, September 17th:
Have been waiting for a chance to post lots of details on Ethan's blog about our appointments at UAB, but Internet is still not working at our new house, so here is a quick update: God is doing a miracle in our Julia!!! She still has the heart problem and will still be followed and delivered at UAB, but the doctors think she will NOT need emergency surgery, and that it is possible she may not ever have to have surgery!!! Praise God, we believe we are witnessing a MIRACLE!!! Thank you for all your prayers, and please keep praying! We want God to completely heal her and take away the heart problem entirely! We don't want surgery now or ever, Amen!!!
Sunday, September 18th:
Couldn't wait to give God the praise He is due this morning (and have been all week)... Looking forward to doing it again tonight! Thank you for all your love and prayers for Baby Julia Carter... We are so grateful for our family and friends! She will be making her debut in just 9-11 short weeks!! :)
WHAT AN INCREDIBLE WEEK! THANK YOU, LORD... WE GIVE YOU GLORY, HONOR, AND PRAISE!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Quick Update On Julia
We saw my OB today, and discussed Julia's diagnosis and the plan of action for the rest of my pregnancy, which will include a team of doctors.
I will post more details later, but I wanted to give a quick update on our sweet girl...
Dr. Nelson did a Biophysical Profile today, and Julia passed with flying colors! Her heart rate was 150 (excellent), she moved so much the tech couldn't even get good pictures for us, there was plenty of amniotic fluid around her, and she was practicing her breathing like a pro! :)
We got to see her precious nose, lips, eyes, hands, feet... all in black and white, but all undeniably adorable!
She did a big yawn for us, and this mama's heart melted into a pool on the floor!
Please keep us in your prayers as we make decisions about her care, but most of all, please keep praying for a miracle with us!
Thank you for the outpouring of love that has been shown to us--- on here, on facebook, and in person... we love you right back! :)
Love,
Julia's Mama
I will post more details later, but I wanted to give a quick update on our sweet girl...
Dr. Nelson did a Biophysical Profile today, and Julia passed with flying colors! Her heart rate was 150 (excellent), she moved so much the tech couldn't even get good pictures for us, there was plenty of amniotic fluid around her, and she was practicing her breathing like a pro! :)
We got to see her precious nose, lips, eyes, hands, feet... all in black and white, but all undeniably adorable!
She did a big yawn for us, and this mama's heart melted into a pool on the floor!
Please keep us in your prayers as we make decisions about her care, but most of all, please keep praying for a miracle with us!
Thank you for the outpouring of love that has been shown to us--- on here, on facebook, and in person... we love you right back! :)
Love,
Julia's Mama
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Her Life Has Been Ordained
Yesterday morning, Julia had her fetal echo.
When I was pregnant with Ethan, we asked Emily's cardiologist (who would become Ethan's, too) what the chances were that Ethan would be born with the same heart defect she has. We have the familial form of the disease (meaning it runs in my family), and he told us every baby I have has a 50% chance of having it.
Although we didn't know the exact percentage of likelihood when we got pregnant with Emily or Ethan, we always knew there was a significant chance I'd pass the heart problem down to my children. Hearing the "50%" didn't change anything--- we would have had our children, anyway.
When we made the decision to get pregnant with Julia, we agonized over it only because we had buried Ethan, not because he had had the heart defect.
But we knew when we decided to have her that chance had nothing to do with whether or not she would have the heart defect. Like He had with Emily and Ethan, we knew God would simply say, "Yes, I will allow the heart defect", or "No, I will not."
And for the third time, He has decided to allow it.
The pediatric cardiologist who did Julia's echo yesterday told us Julia has Supravalvular Aortic Stenosis like her brother and sister, possibly has Supravalvular Pulmonic Stenosis like them, and in addition, her aortic valve looks abnormal, so it is probably narrowed, as well.
Although the problem with the aortic valve is due to the same heart defect, this is one part Emily and Ethan did not have, and it may mean Julia will have to have surgery at birth.
She will be getting regular fetal echos, and we have been instructed to deliver her at UAB.
I would be lying if I told you we aren't terrified.
I would also be lying if I told you Julia isn't worth every bit of the fear.
Like Emily and Ethan, she is irreplacable.
We are asking our friends and family to pray with us for a miracle.
We want the doctors to be beside themselves with confusion as they watch the heart problem completely disappear.
We want to show the world--- through our precious little girl--- what our God can do.
Will you bend your knees and call out Julia's name before the Father with us?
We know He has ordained her life, just as He ordained Emily and Ethan's.
Thank you for your love.
When I was pregnant with Ethan, we asked Emily's cardiologist (who would become Ethan's, too) what the chances were that Ethan would be born with the same heart defect she has. We have the familial form of the disease (meaning it runs in my family), and he told us every baby I have has a 50% chance of having it.
Although we didn't know the exact percentage of likelihood when we got pregnant with Emily or Ethan, we always knew there was a significant chance I'd pass the heart problem down to my children. Hearing the "50%" didn't change anything--- we would have had our children, anyway.
When we made the decision to get pregnant with Julia, we agonized over it only because we had buried Ethan, not because he had had the heart defect.
But we knew when we decided to have her that chance had nothing to do with whether or not she would have the heart defect. Like He had with Emily and Ethan, we knew God would simply say, "Yes, I will allow the heart defect", or "No, I will not."
And for the third time, He has decided to allow it.
The pediatric cardiologist who did Julia's echo yesterday told us Julia has Supravalvular Aortic Stenosis like her brother and sister, possibly has Supravalvular Pulmonic Stenosis like them, and in addition, her aortic valve looks abnormal, so it is probably narrowed, as well.
Although the problem with the aortic valve is due to the same heart defect, this is one part Emily and Ethan did not have, and it may mean Julia will have to have surgery at birth.
She will be getting regular fetal echos, and we have been instructed to deliver her at UAB.
I would be lying if I told you we aren't terrified.
I would also be lying if I told you Julia isn't worth every bit of the fear.
Like Emily and Ethan, she is irreplacable.
We are asking our friends and family to pray with us for a miracle.
We want the doctors to be beside themselves with confusion as they watch the heart problem completely disappear.
We want to show the world--- through our precious little girl--- what our God can do.
Will you bend your knees and call out Julia's name before the Father with us?
We know He has ordained her life, just as He ordained Emily and Ethan's.
Thank you for your love.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Ethan and Julia
I know I haven't spoken about Ethan's little sister on here very often (only twice, to be exact), but I trust you know it isn't because we have a lack of excitement about her approaching arrival or a diminished love for her.
The truth is, we are bursting with excitement and love... and also very, very emotional.
I am 22 1/2 weeks pregnant now, and Julia Carter is a very active little baby. I feel her move often throughout each day (she is actually moving right now!), and it brings my heart such joy.
It is also a vivid reminder of when Ethan was moving around in my belly.
While this reminder is not needed (I remember everything about Ethan!), it is a reminder none the less.
I don't know how to adequately express what I'm trying to say, but I feel the need to try...
There is such a thing as joy and sadness running together.
I can be so happy about this little girl in my belly and yet mourn so deeply the Big Brother she will never meet this side of Heaven.
When she kicks me, or stretches out inside of me, or punches around with her little fists, I am in awe of her...
and of the sweet boy who came before her.
The truth is, we are bursting with excitement and love... and also very, very emotional.
I am 22 1/2 weeks pregnant now, and Julia Carter is a very active little baby. I feel her move often throughout each day (she is actually moving right now!), and it brings my heart such joy.
It is also a vivid reminder of when Ethan was moving around in my belly.
While this reminder is not needed (I remember everything about Ethan!), it is a reminder none the less.
I don't know how to adequately express what I'm trying to say, but I feel the need to try...
There is such a thing as joy and sadness running together.
I can be so happy about this little girl in my belly and yet mourn so deeply the Big Brother she will never meet this side of Heaven.
When she kicks me, or stretches out inside of me, or punches around with her little fists, I am in awe of her...
and of the sweet boy who came before her.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Silence Is Scary
Josh and Emily are at the store, and the house is quiet.
I'm tempted to turn on the TV just for the noise, but I know I need to learn how to be at peace with the silence.
Since Ethan's been gone, I've been afraid of it.
I always have noise on in the background (or my daughter here, full of life!), and I mean always.
If I am ready for bed before Josh, I have the TV on or am on the laptop until he comes into the room, and I dare not even attempt to lay my head on the pillow and go to sleep without him.
Frankly, silence gives me too much time to think... and I think enough even with all the constant noise around me.
Silence means my eyes well up with tears immediately (like they are doing now) as I miss my baby boy and can feel him in my arms... hear his little voice cooing... taste his little baby slobber...
My heart aches with the pain of being without him... a physical ache I've never known before and can't even begin to describe.
Silence is scary...
And yet, I need to be silent in order to hear God's voice more easily.
He loves the silence.
For one thing, He loves when we are vulnerable... when we admit we don't have it all in the bag... that this life is scary and painful and... unfair.
I think He wearies of us acting like we always have everything all under control.
Like we don't need Him.
When that's just not true at all.
Thanks for listening to this mama's heart.
I'm tempted to turn on the TV just for the noise, but I know I need to learn how to be at peace with the silence.
Since Ethan's been gone, I've been afraid of it.
I always have noise on in the background (or my daughter here, full of life!), and I mean always.
If I am ready for bed before Josh, I have the TV on or am on the laptop until he comes into the room, and I dare not even attempt to lay my head on the pillow and go to sleep without him.
Frankly, silence gives me too much time to think... and I think enough even with all the constant noise around me.
Silence means my eyes well up with tears immediately (like they are doing now) as I miss my baby boy and can feel him in my arms... hear his little voice cooing... taste his little baby slobber...
My heart aches with the pain of being without him... a physical ache I've never known before and can't even begin to describe.
Silence is scary...
And yet, I need to be silent in order to hear God's voice more easily.
He loves the silence.
For one thing, He loves when we are vulnerable... when we admit we don't have it all in the bag... that this life is scary and painful and... unfair.
I think He wearies of us acting like we always have everything all under control.
Like we don't need Him.
When that's just not true at all.
Thanks for listening to this mama's heart.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thank You, God
I know I have been so quiet on here lately, particularly with explaining my deepest thoughts and feelings...
I have posted pictures with a line or two underneath them giving a glimpse of my heart, but I haven't been able to express in many words how I feel.
The truth is, a year has come and gone, and I long for my son as much as I always have.
And I don't know how to share the pain without just saying the same thing over and over again:
I miss him.
I miss him.
I miss him.
I do not believe time heals all wounds.
I believe there are some wounds that will only be healed when we meet Jesus face to face.
When Jesus hands me my son, this wound will be healed.
Until then, I cry out for Him to comfort me and help me through each day. There is no making it on my own--- it is simply not possible. There is no "thinking positive" and everything will be alright.
No. His mercies are new every morning--- and that's what it takes.
I know I am unable to breathe without the constant breath of my Heavenly Father... and even then, it is so painful.
I think, in this life, we like to depend on ourselves way too much. And I have come to find out more than ever what I always knew to be true--- we are not enough.
I may be mad at God at times--- furious, actually--- but I still know I need Him.
Being without Ethan is impossible to describe. The pain is unbearable.
Yet, somehow, by God's grace, I bear it.
And that in itself is a miracle.
Thank you, God, for never leaving me.
For waiting patiently in the background when I don't reach for you.
For breathing for me when I can't breathe for myself.
I love you.
Love,
Your Daughter
I have posted pictures with a line or two underneath them giving a glimpse of my heart, but I haven't been able to express in many words how I feel.
The truth is, a year has come and gone, and I long for my son as much as I always have.
And I don't know how to share the pain without just saying the same thing over and over again:
I miss him.
I miss him.
I miss him.
I do not believe time heals all wounds.
I believe there are some wounds that will only be healed when we meet Jesus face to face.
When Jesus hands me my son, this wound will be healed.
Until then, I cry out for Him to comfort me and help me through each day. There is no making it on my own--- it is simply not possible. There is no "thinking positive" and everything will be alright.
No. His mercies are new every morning--- and that's what it takes.
I know I am unable to breathe without the constant breath of my Heavenly Father... and even then, it is so painful.
I think, in this life, we like to depend on ourselves way too much. And I have come to find out more than ever what I always knew to be true--- we are not enough.
I may be mad at God at times--- furious, actually--- but I still know I need Him.
Being without Ethan is impossible to describe. The pain is unbearable.
Yet, somehow, by God's grace, I bear it.
And that in itself is a miracle.
Thank you, God, for never leaving me.
For waiting patiently in the background when I don't reach for you.
For breathing for me when I can't breathe for myself.
I love you.
Love,
Your Daughter
Friday, July 22, 2011
Longing For...
this hand to hold mine again.
And one day very soon, it will.
Ethan and Mama on April 30, 2010, when Ethan was seven weeks old.
And one day very soon, it will.
Ethan and Mama on April 30, 2010, when Ethan was seven weeks old.
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