Worth A Thousand Words

We never had a professional family portrait taken with Ethan, and that brings us so much pain...

When Emily drew this today, it brought me so much joy...

Ethan Turns Six Months Old

My heart is so heavy.

Once again, words fail to express the pain.

Ethan turned six months old on Sunday, September 12th.

We do not say he would have turned six months old, we say he is six months old--- because he is alive. And since we do not know exactly how old he is in Heaven, we will continue to count his age the only way we know how.

As every mother (and father) knows, there is just something about your baby turning six months old.

On Ethan's six-month birthday, we did not get to marvel at how fast he has grown up or give him his first bite of cereal. There were no cute pictures to mark this precious milestone... and no big smiles or slobbery kisses.

But even though Ethan is in Heaven, there is just something about him turning six months old.

So instead of sweet pictures, rice cereal, and talk of how time flies... instead of the kisses and smiles we ache for...

There was a balloon... a homemade card from his Sissy... a teddy she chose so carefully... many, many tears...

And a prayer that God would tell Ethan how much we love him.

Ethan's marker on his six-month birthday (the current granite is just temporary until the custom black granite with his handprints and footprints etched in it arrives... also, the ceramic picture on the right is being redone--- we wanted it with its original background, like it is on the blog):



"IT IS A PRIVILEGE TO BE YOUR FAMILY. NOT THE END."

Your Hands

Ethan (Seven Weeks Old) and Mama, April 30, 2010



Would your hands have held tight to mine as you took your first steps?

Or shaped the towers of a little sand castle until they were just right?

Would your hands have scooped up bugs and put them in a jar?

Or made lots of sticky messes for Mama to clean up?

Would your hands have made a snowball to throw at Sissy?

Or grabbed hers on Christmas morning as you looked for presents under the tree?

Would your hands have thrown a baseball to Daddy?

Or given him a high-five after a game?

Would your hands have hugged the neck of a friend when they were sad?

Or even someone you barely knew?

Would your hands have reached in your pocket to help a person in need?

Or served a meal to a hungry stranger in a soup kitchen?

Would your hands have made music in church?

Or discovered a cure for a deadly disease?

Would your hands have slipped a ring on the finger of your new wife?

Or felt her tummy when your child kicked inside her womb?

Would your hands have squeezed hers tightly as you shared the miracle of your baby's birth?

Or wiped tears from your own son's face one day?

Would your hands have welcomed the weight of your new granddaughter as she rested in your arms?

Or clasped in prayer as you thanked God for all His blessings?

Ethan, I will never have the privilege of holding your hand on Earth again.

I miss your hands. I miss you.

Hold the hand of Jesus, Sweet Boy.

Though I ache to have you with me, and I mourn what you will not do here, I must remember there is nothing more beautiful than you holding the hand of the One who gave you to me.

Oh, how I love you.

Safe In Daddy's Arms

Daddy and Ethan, April 23, 2010



Ethan was always safe in his Daddy's arms...

And we know he is now safe in the arms of his Heavenly Father.

Holy Spirit, invade my life.

Cover me with Your comfort.

Saturate my heart with Your Truth.

And remind us Ethan will be in our arms again one day... and it will be the beginning of forever.

I Am That Mother

Her child plays with yours on the playground, but she fumbles with her purse or her phone, and doesn't seem to want to introduce herself or even make eye contact...

Because she is terrified you will want to make small talk about each other's kids--- as if everything is fine and one of hers is not buried in the ground.

She averts her eyes when you walk by her in the grocery store...

Because you have your baby with you--- and she knows she never will.

She is friendly when you speak to her, yet her eyes hold a deep sadness and there is something about her smile you just can't figure out...

Because it is all she can do to pay for her purchases without weeping uncontrollably.

She is so proud when you tell her that her daughter is precious...

And wishes you could have met her son, so you would know he is precious, too.

You ask her how she's doing, and she tells you she's fine...

Because she's not sure if you really want to know.

She knows you love her, and she loves you, too.

But still, she feels so incredibly alone...

Because with every breath, she aches for her son.

A Fitting Holiday

Ethan was too little to go to church on Easter, so he stayed home with Mama.

We never imagined it would be his only Easter...

or the only holiday we would ever share with him on Earth.

When you think about it, it is a fitting holiday for our precious Ethan.

After all, Easter is how our Ethan still lives... and why this separation is only temporary.

Ethan, may your only holiday here always be a special reminder to us of the hope we have.

I love you, my Sweet Boy... oh, how it must feel to see the face of the One Who rose from the dead on that very first Easter!

(Warning: Raw Emotion)

So much sadness, so many tears.

There really are no words to express the agony we feel.

My husband cried for Ethan in the middle of lunch at Pizza Hut the other day.

In the middle of the night that night, I sobbed silently in our bed...

and then heard Emily crying for Ethan in hers, too.

Today, I took Emily to the tree house play area in the mall...

but could only bear to stay 15 minutes, because there was a little boy there.

Last night, Emily cried when I picked her up from Dance and Gymnastics because a little girl had made fun of her during class.

I know the girl was just being a kid and I told Emily all the right things... but secretly, I wanted to find the little girl's parents and explain to them that my daughter just lost her baby brother--- that she is dealing with enough right now and doesn't need other kids being mean to her just because they feel like it.

I look in the mirror, and I don't look the same anymore.

And why should I?

My eyes have seen my dead son.

My lips have kissed my dead son.

My arms have held my dead son.

Ethan was ripped from us.

And there is no getting him back in this life.

Thank God for the next.

Grief is ugly...

there really are no words.

Ethan, Do You Know?

Ethan Carter on May 24, 2010



Ethan, do you know...

you are more perfect than we could have ever imagined you would be?

Do you know...

it is absolutely impossible to measure our love for you?

Do you know...

in your short time here, you changed everything?

Do you know...

that the pain of losing you on Earth could never compare to the pain of missing out on you in the first place?

Do you know...

your Sissy cries for you in the middle of the night?

Do you know...

she knows so much more about Heaven and Jesus, because of you?

Do you know...

Daddy and I pray together more than we ever have before, because of you?

Do you know...

that the MOMENT you were born, I understood the incredible bond and special relationship between a mother and her son?

Do you know...

Daddy's still convinced he would have ended up being your favorite? :)

We love you, Sweet Boy... and we wait impatiently for Reunion Day!

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Still My Child

Ethan sleeps in his crib for the first time (March 18, 2010)...



I always check on my children one last time before crawling into bed at night. It doesn't matter if I just checked on them five minutes earlier... if I then go and do anything else, I've got to check on them again, right before I climb into bed. I've talked to other mothers about this, and I know I'm not the only one.

When I was pregnant with Ethan, I realized I had started checking on him, too... or his nursery, anyway. There he was, in my own tummy, and I still went into his nursery every night, right after I left his sister's room! Okay, I think I hear chuckling now... :)

After Ethan was born, I stopped checking his room, because he slept in his crib in our room... something I cherished then, and that is priceless now.

I always checked on him right before I layed down, even though I had usually been nursing him in our bed just a minute or two earlier. Seriously, my husband can vouch for the fact that if one second passed between laying him down and lying down myself, that little boy was getting checked on! Just like with his sister, I'd lower my head next to his, so I could hear him breathing...

What I wouldn't give to hear him breathing again.

Since Ethan went to live in his new home with Jesus, my routine has changed a little. I still check on Emily right before I lie down, but now hearing her breathe isn't good enough. Now, I have to lay my hand on her chest and feel her heart beating.

Because I lost Ethan when his wouldn't.

And I check Ethan's room, right after I leave hers, because he is no longer in mine...

But is still my child.

Ethan and Grammy

Ethan at one week old with his Grammy (March 19, 2010)... no words necessary! :)

Snuggle Babies

Sissy and Ethan, Snuggling with Mama on April 28th, 2010





Oh, Ethan, how I long to snuggle with you and Sissy this morning... and every morning! Missing you, as always...

I love you, Sweet Boy...

We Love You, Sweet Boy!

Ethan and his Sissy meet for the first time, just minutes after his birth...



Dear Ethan,

Mama loves you, Sweet Boy!

It is getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning... but, your Sissy, who I know you love so very much, makes it possible! I know you know what a bright and shining light she is!

In the last few days before you went to Heaven, you seemed especially smitten with her (or at least we were able to see it even more)! The way you looked at her, your eyes fixed on her every move around you... precious... and she definitely got your smiles! Your beautiful, beautiful smiles...

Ethan, I can't help but mourn the relationship you and Emily would have continued to build over the years, though I know you will have it in Heaven. She was in love with you from the time you were in my tummy, and I know you have always felt that love.

Remember the raspberries she did on my tummy all day, every day? We called it her farting on you! It sounds funny when I write it, but it was so, so beautiful. She couldn't WAIT for you to get here, Baby Boy...

The truth is, we had all been waiting for you our entire lives.

Ethan, there is something else that helps me get out of bed in the morning. It is the promise that we WILL be together again... and I long for that day. I long for the Rapture, when your Daddy and I will hold ALL of our children together, for the first time. And there will be no goodbyes, ever.

Losing you in this life, Ethan, feels so unbearable. The fact that I can even function is a complete mystery to me. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I grieve, but I grieve as one who has hope... because I know I will see you again.

And then, for the very first time, I will hear you say, "I love you, Mama".

I love you, Ethan, and your place in our family will never change or be filled. My arms will always have an empty spot that belongs to you, and my heart will never be whole in this life.

I know you are safe, Ethan, and being loved perfectly as you enjoy the arms of Jesus. You are the Little Brother in Heaven, too, just as you are on Earth! I know even as Daddy, Sissy and I mourn your absence here, Sammy, Asher and MacKenzie rejoice that you are with them! I guess you aren't able to cause mischief in Heaven, but I would sure like to see it! :)

I love you, Sweet Boy!!

Love,

Mama