Still My Child

Ethan sleeps in his crib for the first time (March 18, 2010)...



I always check on my children one last time before crawling into bed at night. It doesn't matter if I just checked on them five minutes earlier... if I then go and do anything else, I've got to check on them again, right before I climb into bed. I've talked to other mothers about this, and I know I'm not the only one.

When I was pregnant with Ethan, I realized I had started checking on him, too... or his nursery, anyway. There he was, in my own tummy, and I still went into his nursery every night, right after I left his sister's room! Okay, I think I hear chuckling now... :)

After Ethan was born, I stopped checking his room, because he slept in his crib in our room... something I cherished then, and that is priceless now.

I always checked on him right before I layed down, even though I had usually been nursing him in our bed just a minute or two earlier. Seriously, my husband can vouch for the fact that if one second passed between laying him down and lying down myself, that little boy was getting checked on! Just like with his sister, I'd lower my head next to his, so I could hear him breathing...

What I wouldn't give to hear him breathing again.

Since Ethan went to live in his new home with Jesus, my routine has changed a little. I still check on Emily right before I lie down, but now hearing her breathe isn't good enough. Now, I have to lay my hand on her chest and feel her heart beating.

Because I lost Ethan when his wouldn't.

And I check Ethan's room, right after I leave hers, because he is no longer in mine...

But is still my child.