I Still Know

I struggled to get out of bed this morning... to face another day without my son.

As my husband came in to kiss me goodbye, I told him, "I'm having a rough day already... It's just never going to be any different... It's never going to be any better, because I will never have my son back (on Earth)..."

All he could say is, "I know...", because he feels the same pain.

Last night, as we lay in bed with our backs to each other (my husband is not a "cuddler" when he sleeps, he needs his "space" to be able to sleep, much to my dismay!), I heard him quietly sobbing... and it broke my heart all over again.

I told him how badly I hurt for him... I hurt for myself, for him, for our daughter, for our families...

Watching your husband bury his son, and sob for him in the dark of the night... it is once again impossible to describe.

We are still functioning every day... working, taking care of our daughter, running errands and maintaining our home, paying bills, getting cars fixed, going grocery shopping, going to doctor's appointments, getting together with friends (and even laughing!)... but, it is all done with hearts that are dying inside and eyes that are full of tears when no one is watching... and a daily trip to the cemetery.

I know the special grace from God our sweet friends who lost their son seventeen years ago told us about is real--- otherwise, I truly believe I would have died the moment Dr. McMahon told me my son did.

And speaking of God, let me say this (Warning: It's honest):

I praise Him these days because I know He is worthy, not because I always feel like it... because, I don't.

We sing a song in church that says, "I am a friend of God... He is my friend." Well, folks, let me just tell you...

I'm not feeling very friendly.

That song is hard for me right now. So, sometimes, I skip that one. Instead of singing it, I pray silently for my heart to change. And then, usually, I am on my knees at the altar in a couple of seconds. But, I'm still not singing... now, I'm just sobbing about my son, and begging God to get me through another day.

Let me just say... I refuse to turn my back on God, but I also refuse to have a fake relationship with Him. If He and I are going to do this thing, it's going to be real.

Which brings me to my next point, one that isn't easy for me to say...

I think I'm mad at God.

I think the time has come. In an earlier post, I said I wasn't mad at Him yet, but that I wasn't making any promises about the future, either...

Well, after doing some soul-searching, I think I'm a little mad... or resentful... or something. I don't know... it's not a normal type of anger; it's hard to explain.

And I'm okay with it.

Because I still know Who My God is.

And I know I won't stay here.

It's one of the "stages of grief", I'm told... and I'm so grateful I have a God Who is the same "Before" and "After".

Listen to the song "I Am" by Nicole C. Mullen, and you'll know what I mean.