Dear Ethan

My Sweet, Sweet Baby Boy,

Saying we miss you doesn't even begin to explain it.

You are unforgettable, irreplacable, and precious beyond words... our perfect baby boy.

Our love for you cannot be measured, just as it is impossible to measure the hurt of being without you.

I long to see you again, to hold you and kiss you, to tell you just how much you have changed (and will continue to change) our lives... and how you have made us, and are making us, better people...

Daddy says he pictures us sitting around the dinner table one day in Heaven as a family--- all seven of us--- and I can't wait! It is making it until that day that is so, so hard...

It is getting more and more difficult to get out of bed every morning... to face a world that keeps going when mine is standing completely still... to function as if I'm not dying inside when I feel like I am...

Daddy told me last night that a large part of him was buried with you that day, and I feel the same way... but we also know another large part of us remains--- your Sissy. He said it is for her that we have no choice, that we must get out of bed every day... she deserves her parents, too. And he is right.

She adores you, Ethan... and has from the time she found out you were in my tummy. She blew raspberries on you (my belly) every day (we called it "farting"!) and talked to you constantly. She couldn't wait for you to get here. And when you did?

She was smitten! She drove us crazy trying to love on you! She wanted to help constantly, kiss you constantly, and get in your face constantly! Sometimes it could be annoying! And always, it was beautiful...

One day about a week ago, she started lining up pennies on her little school table and announced that each penny stood for one of the days you were alive. She can't count high enough, so I helped her. She had layed out 80 pennies... I told her that it was a little short, because you lived 84 days. She had some extra pennies, so I started to count those, but she said, "No, no, no! Those pennies are for the days he isn't here". She had 17 pennies. I said, "Oh, Baby, he will be in Heaven a lot longer than that... there aren't enough pennies to show that..."

Just another reminder of how long we will be without you... how long it will be before we see you again.

But it is also a reminder that you will never die again... God will never stop counting your pennies...

And Ethan, 84 pennies doesn't even begin to explain your life here on Earth... or the impact it will have for eternity.

I love you--- beyond measure, my sweet, sweet baby boy.

Mama