My Sweet, Sweet Ethan,
Your Sissy is fast asleep, and your Daddy is in bed, too.
I close my eyes and all I can see is your face... your big, beautiful, trusting eyes looking up at me the way they did every day of your life.
When I handed you over to the nurses outside the Cath Lab, you trusted me.
After you passed away, I felt like I had handed you over to your death.
I still feel that way.
I wonder constantly what your Daddy and I and the doctors could have done differently.
Knowing God allowed your death does not change my need to question.
And I think He understands that.
Your Sissy had her first swimming lesson today. She has always been a "water baby", and you made it clear the two times you got to go in the pool you were going to be one, too.
Her first baseball game of the season is tomorrow night, and we can tell she is going to do more than just sit in the grass and pick her nose this year (like she did when she was three!). She and her coach's daughter are the only two girls on the team, and we think it's really cute. Daddy was going to coach your team one day. All those baseball outfits you wore were his idea!
Oh, Ethan, there are so many things I want to tell you...
But, most of all, I want to tell you what I told you as Daddy, Sissy and I walked you to the Cath Lab that morning--- the last thing I said to you, and I repeated it over and over again:
I love you and it is a privilege to be your Mama.
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