Father And Son

No words tonight...


Ethan and Daddy, March 17, 2010.

Home

Sissy and Ethan "watching TV" together on March 30, 2010.



Missing both my babies tonight. One is with her grandparents in Ohio for a wedding, and the other is in Heaven.

One will come home to me...

and the other I will go Home to one day.

I long for the day when we will all be there together: Sissy, Ethan, Julia, Sammy, Asher, MacKenzie, Daddy, and me.

Forever.

Beauty... And Sorrow

I was put on bed rest and Procardia on September 30th (at almost 30 weeks) for pre-term labor (cramping/contracting and dilating to 1 cm), and it brings back so many memories of my bed rest with Ethan, which started at 26 1/2 weeks. Not that the memories aren't always there, anyway... because they are. And I am grateful for them.

But I am 31 1/2 weeks pregnant today, and as sweet Julia's birth approaches (she will be delivered via c-section somewhere between 37-39 weeks) and we give God praise for what He is doing, I have so many thoughts and emotions tumbling around inside me, constantly.

My heart feels so bruised lately. The ache that is always there almost feels even a little more raw than it normally does. It is impossible to explain, because it always hurts this bad--- always. So it's hard to explain how the pain is somehow more tender...

My best guess is that my emotions are building as we prepare to meet Julia and hold her in our arms. Sometimes I wonder if I will weep at the sight of her, because I will be so incredibly grateful for her and yet so... sad.

When Ethan was born, there was never thought of an "after"... there was only a beginning to our child's life, not an "end".

Likewise, we had experienced Emily's birth with nothing but joy, and though we were terrified each time she had surgery, there were always nothing but happy endings.

But then Ethan met Jesus face to face. And now we have seen both sides of our child's life. We have seen our child be born, and we have seen our child die.

This changes everything.

Because in the moment of Julia's birth... in the beauty of that moment... will also be sorrow.

Her brother is not here, and he should be--- and he is irreplacable.

I'm struggling to express some of the things my heart is grappling with...

Yet with all of the pain, there is so much joy, too.

Because in less than 6-8 weeks, Julia will be placed in my arms.

But before she is placed in my arms, we will look into each other's eyes.

And that's when the beauty of that moment will overshadow the pain.

I will feel Ethan smiling down on us, feel his love for us... and I will picture him saying,

"See, Mama?

He makes all things new."

16 Months Later

Ethan and Daddy, just hours before Ethan went to live with Jesus...




It's been a hard day.

October 4th marked 16 months since Ethan left our arms for the arms of Jesus.

16 months... how can it even be possible?

It still feels like yesterday, and I can still feel him in my arms.

16 months later, and I still wonder every day if it is indeed possible to die from a broken heart.

I still wonder how I function every day, do what I need to do, mother Emily and take care of Baby Julia in my belly...

And I know it all goes back to God's grace.

What does God's grace mean to me now?

It means strength to do the impossible--- to breathe when your child no longer breathes on this earth.

16 months have passed, but as I've said before when it comes to time, it doesn't really mean anything.

16 months later, and the love is still the same.

16 months later, and I long for him as much as I ever have.

16 months later, and he is still my sweet baby boy.

16 months later, and still my heart's cry is...

I miss him.

A Miracle For Julia

I can't wait to share more about what God is doing, but we have been in the process of moving to a new church in another state and haven't had Internet access at our new house until a few days ago, so for now, I will just copy and paste a few of the facebook status updates I scribbled from my phone recently...

Saturday, September 10th:

Will be 27 weeks tomorrow... Hard to believe that at this time in my pregnancy with Ethan I had just been put on bed rest a few days ago. In so many ways it feels just like yesterday. Miss him every single moment and can't wait to meet his little sister.


Tuesday, September 13th:

We leave for UAB tonight. Baby Julia Carter's first appointment with the fetal clinic is early tomorrow morning. We covet your prayers so much and are expecting a miracle! She is scheduled for two fetal echoes tomorrow, and we want to be kicked out of the clinic because they can't find any heart problem!!! Our God is able and to Him be the glory, honor, and praise!!!


Saturday, September 17th:

Have been waiting for a chance to post lots of details on Ethan's blog about our appointments at UAB, but Internet is still not working at our new house, so here is a quick update: God is doing a miracle in our Julia!!! She still has the heart problem and will still be followed and delivered at UAB, but the doctors think she will NOT need emergency surgery, and that it is possible she may not ever have to have surgery!!! Praise God, we believe we are witnessing a MIRACLE!!! Thank you for all your prayers, and please keep praying! We want God to completely heal her and take away the heart problem entirely! We don't want surgery now or ever, Amen!!!


Sunday, September 18th:

Couldn't wait to give God the praise He is due this morning (and have been all week)... Looking forward to doing it again tonight! Thank you for all your love and prayers for Baby Julia Carter... We are so grateful for our family and friends! She will be making her debut in just 9-11 short weeks!! :)


WHAT AN INCREDIBLE WEEK! THANK YOU, LORD... WE GIVE YOU GLORY, HONOR, AND PRAISE!

Quick Update On Julia

We saw my OB today, and discussed Julia's diagnosis and the plan of action for the rest of my pregnancy, which will include a team of doctors.

I will post more details later, but I wanted to give a quick update on our sweet girl...

Dr. Nelson did a Biophysical Profile today, and Julia passed with flying colors! Her heart rate was 150 (excellent), she moved so much the tech couldn't even get good pictures for us, there was plenty of amniotic fluid around her, and she was practicing her breathing like a pro! :)

We got to see her precious nose, lips, eyes, hands, feet... all in black and white, but all undeniably adorable!

She did a big yawn for us, and this mama's heart melted into a pool on the floor!

Please keep us in your prayers as we make decisions about her care, but most of all, please keep praying for a miracle with us!

Thank you for the outpouring of love that has been shown to us--- on here, on facebook, and in person... we love you right back! :)

Love,

Julia's Mama

Her Life Has Been Ordained

Yesterday morning, Julia had her fetal echo.

When I was pregnant with Ethan, we asked Emily's cardiologist (who would become Ethan's, too) what the chances were that Ethan would be born with the same heart defect she has. We have the familial form of the disease (meaning it runs in my family), and he told us every baby I have has a 50% chance of having it.

Although we didn't know the exact percentage of likelihood when we got pregnant with Emily or Ethan, we always knew there was a significant chance I'd pass the heart problem down to my children. Hearing the "50%" didn't change anything--- we would have had our children, anyway.

When we made the decision to get pregnant with Julia, we agonized over it only because we had buried Ethan, not because he had had the heart defect.

But we knew when we decided to have her that chance had nothing to do with whether or not she would have the heart defect. Like He had with Emily and Ethan, we knew God would simply say, "Yes, I will allow the heart defect", or "No, I will not."

And for the third time, He has decided to allow it.

The pediatric cardiologist who did Julia's echo yesterday told us Julia has Supravalvular Aortic Stenosis like her brother and sister, possibly has Supravalvular Pulmonic Stenosis like them, and in addition, her aortic valve looks abnormal, so it is probably narrowed, as well.

Although the problem with the aortic valve is due to the same heart defect, this is one part Emily and Ethan did not have, and it may mean Julia will have to have surgery at birth.

She will be getting regular fetal echos, and we have been instructed to deliver her at UAB.

I would be lying if I told you we aren't terrified.

I would also be lying if I told you Julia isn't worth every bit of the fear.

Like Emily and Ethan, she is irreplacable.

We are asking our friends and family to pray with us for a miracle.

We want the doctors to be beside themselves with confusion as they watch the heart problem completely disappear.

We want to show the world--- through our precious little girl--- what our God can do.

Will you bend your knees and call out Julia's name before the Father with us?

We know He has ordained her life, just as He ordained Emily and Ethan's.

Thank you for your love.

Ethan and Julia

I know I haven't spoken about Ethan's little sister on here very often (only twice, to be exact), but I trust you know it isn't because we have a lack of excitement about her approaching arrival or a diminished love for her.

The truth is, we are bursting with excitement and love... and also very, very emotional.

I am 22 1/2 weeks pregnant now, and Julia Carter is a very active little baby. I feel her move often throughout each day (she is actually moving right now!), and it brings my heart such joy.

It is also a vivid reminder of when Ethan was moving around in my belly.

While this reminder is not needed (I remember everything about Ethan!), it is a reminder none the less.

I don't know how to adequately express what I'm trying to say, but I feel the need to try...

There is such a thing as joy and sadness running together.

I can be so happy about this little girl in my belly and yet mourn so deeply the Big Brother she will never meet this side of Heaven.

When she kicks me, or stretches out inside of me, or punches around with her little fists, I am in awe of her...

and of the sweet boy who came before her.

Silence Is Scary

Josh and Emily are at the store, and the house is quiet.

I'm tempted to turn on the TV just for the noise, but I know I need to learn how to be at peace with the silence.

Since Ethan's been gone, I've been afraid of it.

I always have noise on in the background (or my daughter here, full of life!), and I mean always.

If I am ready for bed before Josh, I have the TV on or am on the laptop until he comes into the room, and I dare not even attempt to lay my head on the pillow and go to sleep without him.

Frankly, silence gives me too much time to think... and I think enough even with all the constant noise around me.

Silence means my eyes well up with tears immediately (like they are doing now) as I miss my baby boy and can feel him in my arms... hear his little voice cooing... taste his little baby slobber...

My heart aches with the pain of being without him... a physical ache I've never known before and can't even begin to describe.

Silence is scary...

And yet, I need to be silent in order to hear God's voice more easily.

He loves the silence.

For one thing, He loves when we are vulnerable... when we admit we don't have it all in the bag... that this life is scary and painful and... unfair.

I think He wearies of us acting like we always have everything all under control.

Like we don't need Him.

When that's just not true at all.

Thanks for listening to this mama's heart.

Thank You, God

I know I have been so quiet on here lately, particularly with explaining my deepest thoughts and feelings...

I have posted pictures with a line or two underneath them giving a glimpse of my heart, but I haven't been able to express in many words how I feel.

The truth is, a year has come and gone, and I long for my son as much as I always have.

And I don't know how to share the pain without just saying the same thing over and over again:

I miss him.

I miss him.

I miss him.

I do not believe time heals all wounds.

I believe there are some wounds that will only be healed when we meet Jesus face to face.

When Jesus hands me my son, this wound will be healed.

Until then, I cry out for Him to comfort me and help me through each day. There is no making it on my own--- it is simply not possible. There is no "thinking positive" and everything will be alright.

No. His mercies are new every morning--- and that's what it takes.

I know I am unable to breathe without the constant breath of my Heavenly Father... and even then, it is so painful.

I think, in this life, we like to depend on ourselves way too much. And I have come to find out more than ever what I always knew to be true--- we are not enough.

I may be mad at God at times--- furious, actually--- but I still know I need Him.

Being without Ethan is impossible to describe. The pain is unbearable.

Yet, somehow, by God's grace, I bear it.

And that in itself is a miracle.

Thank you, God, for never leaving me.

For waiting patiently in the background when I don't reach for you.

For breathing for me when I can't breathe for myself.

I love you.

Love,

Your Daughter

Longing For...

this hand to hold mine again.

And one day very soon, it will.



Ethan and Mama on April 30, 2010, when Ethan was seven weeks old.

Ethan Is A Big Brother To...

a little sister!

Julia Carter Lane (named after that sweet big brother of hers!) will be here in less than 20 weeks, and we know Ethan is smiling down on us!

I know I haven't mentioned Julia on here since the post where I announced we are expecting... I have been giving some updates on facebook instead... and to be honest, doing a lot of just being quiet with all my thoughts and feelings.

I hope to post some of her very adorable ultrasound pictures soon, but I thought I should at least share that she is a girl, since we found out almost six weeks ago! :)

Emily kisses my belly and blows raspberries on it constantly, just like she did with Ethan. She is an incredible big sister, and she longs for Julia to get here so she can get her hands on her!

One of the million heartbreaking things about being without Ethan has been, and is, watching Emily suffer. I know that just as Julia will not be a replacement for Ethan in our eyes (there is no such thing as a replacement, because he is irreplacable!), she won't be in Emily's eyes, either... but she will bring us all so much joy, like Ethan brought--- and continues to bring--- us all so much joy.

I look forward to that day when Julia is placed in my arms, and I turn and place her in Emily's.

She will know just what to do, thanks to that little brother of hers! :)

Missing You, Sweet Ethan

Missing you on my birthday, Baby Boy...

Two years ago on my birthday weekend, I found out you were in my belly... and it was then, instantly, that you were in my heart!

I love you with an everlasting, ever-present love.

And I miss you that much, too.

The Incredible Bond

Sissy and Ethan, the night before he met Jesus...

The Little Boy...

who melts my heart.


Ethan Carter at the pool on the evening of June 3rd, 2010... less than 24 hours before he met Jesus.

Grampy and Ethan

This day last year was Ethan's memorial service.

And on this day three years ago, my Daddy went to be with Jesus.

I remember being pregnant with Ethan and being so sad that my Daddy would have to wait so long to meet him...

I never dreamed I would be the one having to wait to be with Ethan.

My heart aches for them, and it is inconsolable.

I know my Daddy must be telling my son all about me when I was a little girl.

I'm 31 years old, and I'm still a Daddy's Girl.

I wish so much the three of us could share those stories together.

One day very soon, we will.

I Can't Believe

I can't believe tomorrow is June 4th.

I can't believe that on this date last year, we were spending our last day here on Earth with our son... and didn't even know it.

One of my first blog posts was about that day... I talked about our last family meal, at Olive Garden... I called it "Part One", because I planned to finish describing the day in a second post...

http://ethancarterlane.blogspot.com/2010/07/sweet-sweet-memories-ethan-on-june-3.html

It's a year later, and I haven't written it yet.

Maybe this weekend, I will try.

I want so much to share the rest of that last incredible day we had as a family.

But more than anything, I just want my son back.

I can't explain the longing we have for Ethan. It truly is indescribable.

I know no other pain like this... none.

And then I think of the people who don't know Christ... and will be separated from their loved ones forever.

You see, with all my unbearable pain, I bear it... because I know I will see my son again.

But there are people who will never see their children again, because they don't have a relationship with Christ... and so will be separated from Him and them for all Eternity.

Separation is the worst agony.

I thank God that by His saving grace, it can be temporary.

Ethan's Last Day At Church

My sweet boy on Sunday, May 30, 2010, ready for church. We never imagined it would be his last day there.


I remember taking this picture, I remember his baby smell, I remember everything...

June 4th...

is approaching like a freight train.

Next Saturday will mark the date Ethan left our arms last year for the arms of Jesus.

We covet your prayers (as always!!) this coming week and weekend as we face the anniversary of the worst day of our lives.

And tomorrow marks the last Sunday Ethan was at church.

I remember that day so, so clearly... it is burned into my heart, just like all of our memories with him.

They say to have a child is to make the decision to let your heart walk outside of your body.

But what about when that heart walks in Heaven?

Jesus, be near me now...

Our Ethan...

on May 26, 2010, trying so hard to roll over.

And cooing up a storm when he gets tired and Mama puts him on his back!

How is my heart able to keep beating when it is so broken?

How am I breathing without that smile?

I Love Daddy!

Ethan in Daddy's favorite shirt... May 24, 2010.


The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,

But it never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you are really my friend, let me hear the music of his name!

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul!

~Author Unknown~

What Mama Wouldn't Do...

to have my little messes to clean up again!

Here I am spitting up on my Pack-N-Play this day last year!

Hey, she probably put me on my tummy right after I ate... what's a baby to do? :)

Waiting For Sissy

On this day last year, Ethan was waiting in the car with Mama... for Sissy to be done with gymnastics and dance practice.

Today, he waits in Heaven with Jesus... for Sissy to join them one day.

It's been a rough day of missing you, Sweet Boy. It always is, but some days are even worse than others.

I love you beyond measure!

Love,

Mama

♥Mama LOVE Ethan!♥

Ethan Is...

a big brother!!!!!

I am 8 weeks, 2 days pregnant with Baby #6--- who is due December 11, 2011!

Emily is simply beside herself with excitement, just as she was when we were expecting/had Ethan. She is the best Big Sissy! :)

We hope our family and friends will rejoice with us--- we are so grateful God has blessed us with another precious child.

We also hope you will continue to pray for us and talk to us about Ethan--- no child could ever replace him, and we love, miss, and long for him just the same as we always have. This baby, though already so loved, doesn't make not having Ethan with us any easier.

One more thing for now, lots more later: Baby was conceived about a week after Ethan's First Birthday... we found out we were expecting on March 28th, the day after Ethan's memorial nursery dedication! I just love God's timing--- so, so special!

Morning Snuggles

How I miss those mornings when both my babies were with me...

Emily would often come into our bedroom as soon as she woke up, where I would be cuddling with Ethan in our bed after a morning nursing session.

Many times, he would have fallen back asleep, and she would promise not to wake him up.

You can guess how that went. :)

I didn't mind. :)

Morning snuggles with my sweet boy and my baby girl...

I would do anything to have them back.

(These snuggles were captured on April 28, 2010.)

A "Complete-Family" Day

This day last year was the only day we got to take Ethan to the park (this particular park is huge and includes three lakes--- we love it!). The plan was to let Emily ride her bike while Daddy and I walked, pushing Ethan in his stroller.

Daddy tried to tell me that the park didn't allow bikes on the walking path, but I was positive they did. When we arrived, Daddy proved me wrong by pointing out a big sign :), and Emily begged to play on the playground with the other kids.

So Daddy and I happily took turns being with each of our children... me pushing Ethan (who enjoyed sleeping with a cool breeze and the sun on his face!) in the stroller on the walking trail while Daddy watched Emily on the playground, then switching places.

It was a good, good day.

It was a "Complete-Family" Day.

Thank You, Jesus...

for the cross.



Ethan on the evening of June 2, 2010. Less than 48 hours later, he would meet Jesus face to face... and because of the cross, live forever with Him.

One day, I will join them.

This Day Last Year

Resting up (doesn't this position look SO uncomfortable? But he loved sleeping this way!)...


So Mama can make me do "tummy time"! You can't tell, but most of the time I liked it! :)



I love and miss you, Sweet Boy--- as always!

The World's Best OB And The Preacher's Kid

Dr. Virginia Nelson and Ethan on April 19, 2010.

Although no one could have ever imagined it then, this would be the last time they would see each other this side of Heaven.

One of our many fond memories with Dr. Nelson is the day she circumcised Ethan (a week or two before this picture was taken). She also circumcised two other baby boys that morning, and when she was done, she came out to talk to all the parents. When she got to us, she explained that Ethan was a "typical preacher's kid" with a big smile. She had needed to put a couple of stitches in because he would not stop bleeding, and he was only the third baby she had ever had to do that to. He was totally fine, of course, but leave it to the preacher's kid to misbehave! :)

My Heart Is Aching...

to be with you again.




Ethan, these pictures (taken on April 14, 2010) remind me of your first weeks home from the hospital, when your Daddy, Sissy and I would tease that you looked like "a little old man"... especially when you were up on our shoulder, your little face peeking over it and your little cheeks hanging down! :) We nicknamed you "Benjamin Button" and toted you around the house, smothering you with kisses!

We love and miss you, Sweet Boy... we are ready for Jesus to come back and get us!

There Is A Difference

My cousin Erin told me about a song today...

She said she thought of me and Ethan when she heard it on the radio the other day.

It is about someone dying young, and one of the lyrics is:

"I've had just enough time."

It made me think of something I know to be true, but still need to be reminded of often.

Ethan doesn't feel like his life here was cut short, even though it was.

He doesn't look at it like that, even though we do.

He walks and talks with Jesus... looks in the face of the One Who made him... knows nothing but joy...

And can't wait to show me around Heaven.

Linda, a dear friend of ours (in fact, her husband is the friend who preached Ethan's Memorial Service), explained this to me:

Ethan does not miss me... he waits with great expectation for me to join him.

There is a difference.

And it is one I am so grateful for.

I am Ethan's Mama... I can't bear to think of him missing me, because that means he is not completely whole and happy.

Missing someone involves longing and sorrow...

No, I don't want him to miss me.

I thank my God Ethan feels no sorrow. And longs for nothing.

He is, as my sweet friend Linda says, "safe in God's arms".

He is completely whole and happy... he lacks nothing.

But he still looks forward to the day his Mama joins him.

He doesn't miss me--- he waits for me!

I needed this today, Erin. I love you, Cousin.

And I love you, Linda!

The Cutest Little Bottom...

belongs to this Little Monkey!


We love you, Ethan!!

(Pictures taken May 1, 2010.)

Sleepy Baby!

Ethan on April 10, 2010





Missing you so much, Sweet Boy... Mama LOVE Ethan!

Our Official Holiday

Since Ethan went to live with Jesus, our little family has decided to have an "official holiday".

We love Thanksgiving and absolutely adore Christmas... but Easter will always hold our hearts in such a special way.

You see, Easter was the only holiday we had Ethan here with us (outside my womb)...

and Easter is the reason Ethan still lives.

About two months ago (on February 6th), while sitting in church on Sunday listening to my husband preach, I felt like God was speaking to me in a precious way.

Before my husband even used the words, "This is for you" that morning, referring to Jesus talking on the cross, I felt God speaking them to me--- about Ethan.

I began furiously writing down what I felt like God was saying might have been His words to Ethan when He (Jesus) was on the cross.

Now, I'm not proclaiming this is what Jesus actually said. Although if He were to reveal to me that these were indeed the exact words He said 2,000 years ago, I would have no problem telling you so. I know God is able to speak to me that personally.

What I do know is that God gave me these words that Sunday two months ago, and He did so for a reason.

"Ethan, this is for you. At the perfect time, you will be born into a family that will have longed for you their entire lives. You will make them whole.

You will be born with a heart that, although perfect to Me, will have a medical defect because of the sickness and disease that is in the world. Your earthly life will be cut short because of this defect.

Your family will grieve terribly for you. They will miss you more than words can say. And they will long for Heaven like never before.

Because, Ethan, that is where you will be. Because of My blood, you will be with Me.

Ethan, this is for you."

What I Was Doing...

this day last year.

To: Ethan, Love: Sissy. I Love You, Ethan!

(Sissy and her Little Brother watching cartoons on March 30, 2010.)

I love you, Ethan. You're my Little Brother. I love you, Ethan. Daddy love you, too, and Mama. I love you, Brother--- this is Sissy talking.

Love,

Emily

It's Dedication Day!

The Ethan Carter Lane Memorial Nursery was dedicated this morning!

Pictures coming soon! :)

Thank you to all who gave to his memorial fund... words are not enough!

Oh, how I can't wait to post all the details!

Three Translations...

describe one little boy.

Thank you, Lord, for speaking to me today.

Psalm 37:18, New International Version:

The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.

Psalm 37:18, Amplified Bible:

The Lord knows the days of the upright and blameless,
and their heritage will abide forever.

Psalm 37:18, New King James Version:

The LORD knows the days of the upright,
And their inheritance shall be forever.

A Precious Girl, A Precious Day

March 21, 2010 was Ethan's Due Date.

Though we knew from the beginning he would not be born exactly on that day, for almost nine months, it was the only answer we had to the question of when our precious son would arrive.

March 12th is his birthday... but March 21st is still such a special day to us.

Just as Emily's birthday is November 22nd, but December 1st was her due date.

My children...

So wanted, so loved.

Tonight, Emily made a craft to use in a song she wanted to sing to us--- a song that is very special to our family. A song that I've sang to Emily, and a song that Emily, Daddy and I have sang to Ethan at the cemetery.

I thought it was neat that she happened to choose to do this today, without me having the chance to tell her what today is.

Oh, what a precious girl, oh what a precious day...



(Press pause on the music player at the bottom of the page before pressing play on the video.)

Hug...

your children today.



Mama, Ethan and Emily on Mother's Day 2010 (May 9, 2010).

Working With Daddy

Daddy and Ethan, May 25, 2010

Daddy's desk is always a mess, but what captured Ethan's attention was Daddy's screensaver! :)

Daddy would give anything to be able to have you in his office again, Sweet Boy!

We love you beyond measure and miss you every moment!

Aching...

for this little boy.




(Ethan getting ready to go to the pediatrician on Tuesday, June 1, 2010.)

"If my scars could speak, they'd say
That grace is my only hope
Grace is showing me the way..."

---From "Run to You", by Michael W. Smith.

It is only by the grace of God that I am still breathing.

Ethan's First Birthday

No words tonight...

Just so much love.



(Click pause on the music player at the bottom of this page before clicking on the video.)

On Saturday...

my sweet boy will be a year old.

I think every parent approaches this milestone by saying, "Where, oh where has the time gone?"

But for us, of course, the question has even more layers of meaning.

Where, oh where has the time gone?

How can it have been a whole year since we held him for the first time?

Or a whole nine months since we held him for the last?

Time has moved by so quickly...

Yet, we can hardly remember life before him.

It's as if he was always ours.

I feel myself wanting to pull into my own little shell as the sacred day of his birth approaches...

And at the same time I want to shout his name from the rooftop!

He's amazing...

and I'm so thankful he's ours.

In Honor Of Ethan, Will You Consider...

donating blood this month?

As Ethan's birthday approaches, we would like to ask you to consider donating blood to your local blood bank in honor of our son.

Ethan received a blood transfusion when they were trying to save his life, because his doctors wanted to make sure he didn't become anemic, and we are so grateful to the donors that supplied that blood. Blood was also used to prime the ECMO machine for him, and though he never ended up being able to be put on ECMO, we are grateful it wasn't because they didn't have blood available to prime the machine.

On October 13th, I donated blood back to the very same bank that Ethan's came from, in honor of him and his Sissy... who received blood from that bank when she had her open-heart surgery at 11 months old.

I can't wait to donate this month in honor of my sweet son's birthday.

If you have donated before, would you consider doing it again? The American Red Cross says only 30 percent of first-time donors will ever donate again.

And If you have never donated blood before, we would be so touched if your first time was in celebration and honor of our son.

Every two seconds, someone in the United States needs blood... and one blood donation can save up to three lives!

If you would like to know more, here is a helpful link to some facts from the American Red Cross:

http://www.redcrossblood.org/learn-about-blood/blood-facts-and-statistics

And if you do donate in honor of our Ethan, would you post a comment on here or drop us a line at TheLanes3202@yahoo.com?

We would like to thank you and would love to celebrate!

Great Expectation

This time last year (well, okay, for my entire pregnancy with him!) we were awaiting Ethan's arrival with great expectation.

We knew it could be any time... as I mentioned in my last post, this day last year, Dr. Nelson scheduled his birthday for March 12th (my due date was March 21st)... but we knew he still might choose to make his appearance earlier. :)

(I had, after all, just gotten off bed rest and Brethine, and here we were only a couple of days later, me contracting and her thinking she might have to go ahead and deliver him.)

And although he didn't come earlier, this time was filled with incredible anticipation as his birthday drew closer!

Here are a few pictures from February 15, 2010.

Ethan would be born just a month later...




And Emily was more than ready to be a Big Sissy!

A Special Anniversary

I have so many emotions going on right now, but I wanted to share a tidbit from Ethan's life, so I'm going to just copy and paste my facebook status from today:

"Hubby and I have been married for nine years today! :) Last year on this date, I was in the hospital having constant contractions with Ethan (again!!), and Dr. Nelson was preparing to do my c-section the next day (or in the middle of the night if my water broke), because she wasn't sure she could stop the contractions and needed to keep my uterus from rupturing. But she did stop them, so she scheduled his birthday for March 12th instead. It is a memory that brings tears to my eyes and a catch in my throat, because it is an incredibly precious part of Ethan's life and our family's story..."

We will always remember the wedding anniversary Ethan was in my belly and we thought we were going to meet him the next day!

Daddy, Sissy and I are missing you today, Sweet Boy... as always!

We love you and anxiously await Reunion Day!

The Grace Of God

I feel like I am becoming silent on here...

sometimes there are long stretches between my posts, and so many times I can't muster any thoughts to share.

I guess I am afraid I am "wearing people out" with my grief.

I know for others it might seem like Ethan has been gone for a while...

But, to us, it doesn't feel that way.

And, honestly, it doesn't matter, anyway.

We are approaching nine months since he went to be with Jesus...

and it just doesn't matter.

Nine months or nineteen years...

he's still our son.

And it is impossible to describe the pain.

My husband and I talked last night about how we are experiencing the grace of God in a way we never, ever wanted to...

and it's so true.

I am breathing, I am functioning...

I am not accomplishing what I need to on any given day by any means... but I am alive.

And that, I promise you, is because of the grace of God.

He even gives me the ability to laugh...

and although many times I feel guilty about that, I am trying to recognize it for what it is:

One of God's ways of making me able to bear the unbearable pain of being without my son.

You see, He knows I can only handle so much without simply collapsing entirely under the strain... and so He gives me little reprieves...

I am able to laugh at jokes and to enjoy being with people...

though I often cry my eyes out as soon as I am alone.

The pain, after all, never goes away.

Sometimes it has to get shoved down, stuffed down...

but it is there.

I am so thankful for the many people who have prayed for us and kept our names before the Father.

We are living proof that He hears you!

Looking Up

Dear Ethan,

Last night we had an all-night prayer meeting at church... we met at 9:00pm and prayed and worshipped until 6:00am this morning.

Your Sissy tried hard to stay awake as long as she could, but alas, at 2:00am, her little body gave in to sweet dreams in her sleeping bag on the front pew... as Mr. Micah led us in worship with his guitar! :)

Earlier, though, she did something that melted my heart...

I was at the altar, and she was next to me.

Lying in her Disney Princess sleeping bag.

With her Barbie pillow.

And her little hands clasped tightly in prayer.

"Dear God, I wish you would..." I heard her say, in her little girl voice.

The rest was a whisper... just her and Her Saviour.

Precious.

Ethan, I know you talk to Him, too...

Only you do it face to face.

I know you are full of joy... of love... of wonder...

But, I miss you.

I'm praying God will tell you how very, very much I love you...

How I long for you...

How I am counting down the days until we are all together again.

One day, He will split the sky.

And I am looking up.

Constant Longing

Say a prayer for me today, if you will...

The longing for our son is constant...

and nothing fills the void.



(Ethan Carter at one week old--- March 19, 2010)

I can't wait to look into your beautiful eyes again, Ethan!

Your Sissy put lipstick on me and did my hair this morning... wish you could see it! :)

I love you, Sweet Boy.

Our Little Valentine

Dear Ethan,

You are our Little Valentine.

We love you and miss you more than we will ever be able to express.

You captured our hearts while you were still in my tummy... which is where you spent your very first Valentine's Day!

We remember it so clearly...

I was on strict bed rest with you (and had been since the first week of January), so Daddy made stuffed shells and we snuggled on the couch together, watching a movie he gave me called "No Greater Love". The other part of my gift was the precious Willow Tree figurine that sits on your dresser... we were awaiting your arrival with great anticipation!

Now we await our arrival in Heaven with great anticipation--- because then we will be with you forever!

Happy First Valentine's Day in Heaven, Sweet Boy... to think you are spending it with the One Who is Love...

Love,

Mama, Daddy and Sissy


Getting ready for you... your nursery on March 1, 2010. :)

Love, Sissy

I love you, Ethan!

It's snowing outside.

I wish my Little Brother was here to see it.

It's a blizzard outside!

I love you, Brother, and I miss you!

Mama and Daddy loves you, too!

Love,

Sissy

Ethan, Eight Months Ago Today...

I held you in my arms for the last time on this earth.

The pain is unbearable... yet we bear it because we know you are being cared for perfectly by Jesus Christ Himself, and that we will get to spend Eternity with you.

Daddy, Sissy and I love and miss you more than words could ever, ever, ever say...

We can't wait to be with you again, Sweet Boy.

Love,

Mama

Beach Baby

(Ethan at the beach on April 17, 2010.)

My kids are Beach Babies--- they get it from their Grammy (my mom)!

When Ethan was five weeks old, Grammy and Pappy came to visit... and since the weather was beautiful, guess where we went?

The beach!

Well, okay, the beachy swimming area at the lake...

It's the closest thing we have to a beach here! :)

Ethan's pediatrician didn't want him out in public until he was six weeks old, but the lake was quiet that day, with only one or two other families, who were at a distance, so we felt comfortable bringing him out.

I am so glad we did.

It was a good, good day.

Ethan slept through it, Sweet Newborn that he was...

But I still got to take my son to the beach... even if I did keep him completely sheltered from the sun to protect his little baby skin! :)

One of a million memories I am so incredibly grateful for.

Happy Birthday, Grampy and Jackson!

Today is my daddy's birthday... his third one with Jesus and his first one with his grandson.

My daddy went Home to be with Jesus on June 7, 2008... it was completely unexpected and a horrible shock--- and the worst pain I had ever known. On June 7, 2010, I buried my son... it was completely unexpected and a horrible shock--- and the worst pain I have ever known.

There is no sugarcoating it. The truth is, my daddy and my son were suddenly and horrifically ripped away from me.

But I also have to remember some other truths... and they are not an option. They are how I breathe...

My daddy and my son are together.

And they spend their days with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

You see, the day they each met Jesus brought (and brings) me unspeakable pain... but it brought (and brings) them unspeakable happiness.

And One day, I too, will be called Home.

I will see Jesus face to face.

And then, I will see them face to face.

Ever since my daddy has gone to Heaven, every year on his birthday, Josh, Emily and I go out to eat and have cake. We sing Happy Birthday to Grampy in Heaven, and we honor him and his life.

Last year on this day, my precious nephew Jackson was born. His mama, Amanda, is like a sister to me. How I love it that Jackson shares his Uncle Mac's birthday. (We are all certain my daddy would have called him "Mackson", by the way!)

Here is Emily tonight, doing an encore of the songs she sang at our special lunch today.

Daddy--- I love and miss you!! Kiss my son for me.

Jackson--- Wear John Deere proudly and every chance you get!

Triggers

So, I tried to be "normal" today, like I do every day, even though there is nothing normal about my life anymore...

I went about the day doing what I needed to do...

as if my son isn't dead (on this earth).

I did some things in the morning, then went to Subway with Emily and Josh for lunch, then to a doctor's appointment... then Emily and I took a detour to the cemetery before going to Walmart.

(Okay, so obviously the cemetery wouldn't have been on the agenda if Ethan hadn't died... but, you know what I mean...)

My point is I was functioning.

I was doing what I needed to do.

I ran into someone I know at Walmart and we talked about Ethan's death, but I held it together... to be honest, talking about Ethan is a need I have... he is my son. And I love hearing his name and knowing he isn't forgotten.

Anyway, I was making it through the day so well...

And then I got home and checked our mail.

There was a catalog from a birthday party supply company.

Highlighting all the different themes for your child's first birthday.

I'm sure the company bought a mailing list that had us on it because Ethan's first birthday is coming up... and when I was pregnant we signed up for all those diaper coupons and baby magazines that have you list the baby's due date.

But, Ethan won't be here for his first birthday... or any birthday.

I'm not making it through the day so well anymore.

"Triggers", they call them--- those things that throw you into your grief when you thought you were doing okay for a moment.

They are unexpected, and they are everywhere.

And, honestly?

It doesn't take a trigger...

my heart always knows my son isn't here.

Jesus, be near me now...

Remind me of the life my son is living right now.

Through Emily's Eyes

Emily called me into her room tonight, excited to show me something.

It was our beautiful children, through the eyes of their Sissy.

(Scroll down to the bottom of this blog page to pause the Playlist music before watching the video.)

Check out Pregnancy and Baby: Common myths about losing a child

I think this is a wonderful article, whether you have lost a child yourself or want to understand someone who has.

Pregnancy and Baby: Common myths about losing a child

Another Mother Speaks My Heart

Would you read a post from one of the mamas I found after Ethan went to Heaven?

You can find it at: www.babygirlbutcher.blogspot.com

The writing of Annabelle's Mama often brings tears to my eyes, and many times, I think, "That's me! That's me!" as I am reading.

I just read her post from yesterday entitled "Just a Week Away", and I can identify with it so much. Although no two situations are exactly the same, and there are differences in our stories, she is speaking my heart.

I'm not sure Josh and I are out of the shock phase yet...

but, oh, her words pierce me.

When she talks about not knowing how to celebrate her precious Annabelle's birthday... Ethan's First Birthday is fast approaching, and like a freight train.

And her words pierce me when she says, "The reality of it is that my daughter died and I want to feel the void that she leaves in my heart."

My son died, and I want to feel the void that he leaves in my heart.

Rebecca, how grateful I am that we have been given Eternity with them.

And I'm looking forward to Ethan introducing me to your Annabelle one day.

New Year, Same Love

Ethan Comes Home from the Hospital... March 18, 2010